Nothing is Wasted

A few summers ago, when I was working in Solon, I started attend a college-age group called Standpoint, based out of Parkside Church.  It was close to work, so I'd grab a light dinner, and head over to Dan and Olivia's house after work.  They always welcomed me with open arms, and eventually their kindness and love drew my entire family to Parkside.  

Late one night, after our Bible study, Olivia, a friend, and I were talking in the basement.  My friend and I were both busy with life, and struggling with various things- I don't remember the details.  But Olivia shared a promise of God with me- that he will restore everything that the locust has eaten/taken away.  And he won't just match it, he'll restore it overflowing, shaken-down, so much bigger and better than ever I could imagine.  She also shared that sometimes the restoration isn't immediate, but God always keeps his word.  

So many times through the last few years I've remembered that.  It's really hard to constantly deal with the new normal.  I want to compare myself to who I was, or try to do what I used to do, or enjoy what I could once do.  And it gets discouraging.  Really fast.  But I've just tried to remember those pesky little locusts- they may take everything you once held dear, but God is so much bigger and better then the locusts, and he always keeps his word! 

Through this semester, I've begun to see some of the restoration.  The biggest blessing has been catching up to my class.  I didn't think that dream would ever become reality, especially as it meant extra classes, extra semester, and a ton of extra work! But God has been faithful, and I'm all caught up! 

That being said...I've been battling a cold the last few weeks.  Whenever I get a cold, my body has a lot of difficulty just functioning.  Plus I get a really bad cough with the cold weather.  Between feeling horrible, and being super crazy busy with school right now, I've been feeling really discouraged.  On the way home from church this afternoon, I heard the song "Nothing is Wasted". I've included the words below.  I'm at school working on a huge presentation for tomorrow right now, with the song on repeat.  It's such a calming reminder that God won't waste the seemingly wasted time with cancer.  

Whatever the locusts are eating in your life right now, nothing is wasted. 

You know my every need
You see my poverty
You are enough for me, Jesus
You gave the blind man sight
You raised the dead to life
You've done the same for me, Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Your word inside of me
My strength, my everything
My hope will always be Jesus
Your breath inside my lungs
You're worthy of my trust
You will forever be Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Nothing is wasted
You work all things for good
Nothing is wasted
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

Your promise remains
Forever You reign
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

The Best is Yet to Come!

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted; Thank you to the many people who pray and encourage me, and I know I owe you an update. Also, this is like the fourth time I've come to edit this post, so I guess it’s time to just post it. So here it is.

Physical

As far as the cancer goes, I am now approaching 2-years since my BMT (March 18th, 2013)! While I'm so grateful to be cancer free, there are many other issues that I'm currently dealing with. This summer my sugars, which tended to be high when I was on steroids, suddenly skyrocketed. I'm currently on insulin and medication to hopefully bring those numbers down. Also, I've been having some breathing troubles, which are definitely NOT helped by the record setting cold temperatures here in Cleveland as of late. The breathing issues definitely make me much more tired, which just makes school harder.

In February, I was in the hospital for 2 days, due to numbness in my hand; the doctors originally were worried about it being a seizure or stroke, but thankfully it was probably just a pinched nerve. About a week later, I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. The current thought is that it is liver/gallbladder issues, post-chemo.

Upcoming appointments during my spring break:

• 2-yr post-cancer scans!
• 3rd round of vaccines
• GI doctors, for liver/gallbladder issues
• Endocrine for sugars

Academic

In school I'm currently starting my 5th of 10 semesters, so nearly half-way through! This has been my hardest class load ever, as I'm hitting the hard core engineering classes. Sometimes it gets discouraging to not see my grades as high as I'd like them, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. This past fall semester was extremely tough, but this spring has been going much better! I'm excited for the friends I've made in classes. Please pray that I'll be able to get good grades this semester.  I'll also be taking classes this summer, and fall, as well as spring 2016, going for a total of 5 semesters back-to-back, so I'd greatly appreciate your prayers.

Other stuff...
Written on a rough day early this semester. Thought I'd just include it.
In other words...
2014 was a really tough year. Sometimes I thought it tougher than fighting cancer. With cancer, there was a definite, attainable goal in sight: beat it. I knew what I had to do, each day, every day. People were there for me. I felt supported and strong, and knew what I had to do.

This past year was really, really different. I had a fantastic spring semester. And then I started my 2nd summer internship with Swagelok; again, another great time. But through the summer different health issues came up. I thought that I was done with cancer. Great! I'm done with all treatments and medications! Not true. My sugars started acting up, my skin was scarily dry, my stomach started being weird. So many different things that were stark reminders that I wasn't the healthy person I thought I was.

The fall semester was incredibly tough. It was a difficult course load, but also done without my awesome friends. It was rough not knowing ANYONE in the class. I didn't really have the confidence I used to have to make friends. All the kids were there in their freshman cliques, and I didn't fit in. One girl even went so far as to ask me "aren't you older than the rest of us?” It hurt to see other kids making friends with random people, exchanging phone numbers, forming study groups, while I was all alone.
Continuing on to finish the story from earlier...I wasn't looking forward to 2015. The last year that I made a concrete set of New Year's resolutions, and was fully committed to fulfilling each one, was in 2012. I was initially diagnosed 10 days later. Again in 2013, I had my 2nd diagnosis to look forward to. In 2014, I was super sick all of Christmas break, so just being able to go to school was accomplishment enough. This year, I was just too discouraged to even think about making resolutions or setting any goals for myself.

In January, on my 3-yr diagnosis anniversary, I attended The U, a monthly gathering for young adults. The message that night was that "this is God's year to act (Luke 4:18)". Pastor Josh Pancher said "you either approach the year with faith or fear. Faith approaches the possibility. Fear approaches the problem." I realized that I was approaching 2015 with fear. Fear of not doing well in classes, fear of getting cancer again, fear of all the side effects, fear of not making friends, fear of so. many. different. things. Pastor Josh went on to say "for every problem, find a promise." I've gone back to the promise God gave me when I ended my first cancer's treatments, from Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I realized that God's promise to prosper me, and to give me "hope and a future" were still true-the best is yet to come. That message ended with 5 things to do.

• Encourage often
• Honor always
• Give generously
• Serve faithfully
• Live boldly

While I could think of things that I were doing in most of the categories, I realized I wasn't living boldly. I was cowering under the weight of what might happen, not living boldly in the promises of all the good that God has allowed to have happened.

Just to list out a few things God has allowed to have happened in this New Year...

• Made an awesome new friend, who is in a lot of my classes- Annie <3
• Made wonderful friends through the U on Campus Bible Study
• Been able to share my testimony at Standpoint, the college group at Parkside Church, which has also led to new friends...
• New friends, and prayer partners through the Cancer Support Group at Parkside Church
• A warm and loving church family
• Been able to again be involved with BEST Medicine Science and Engineering Fair
• My hospital stays have not had anything major come up
• Been able to manage in my classes
• Got a dog :)
• Will celebrate 2-years from my BMT on 3/18/15!
• A scholarship to attend CancerCon, a conference for young adult cancer survivors!

A verse that's been encouraging me, and the one from earlier...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen-Ephesians 3:20-21

And as always, to close with a song; this one has been running through my head almost daily since I heard it at a conference...

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So Ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all
So Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
~ Hillsong

A Pictorial Update

I was downloading my dad's phone...and came across several pictures.  So I thought I'd just post some pictures I found on the phone, in chronological order.  Enjoy!!! 

When I got decked out for Easter...

The beautiful hat was made by one of my dear friends

With faithful Daffodil

Finally home!!

100 Days post BMT!

Celebrating my first good news, before my biopsy

with root beer floats,,,

Celebrating my 19th birthday a little bit early, with dear friends who
 prayed for me, and a beautiful cake my wonderful neighbors made!

And my grandparents were able to celebrate with me as well!! 

A New Hair Day

So one of my most widely read posts is "A Bad Hair Day". Well...since then I've gotten a totally new hairstyle! A little over a month ago, I decided I wanted a wig.  I've started the application for "Wigs for Kids" about four different times in the last two years, but I never followed through.  It ended up with my parents buying me a wig from a local wig shop, and I wish I had got one earlier!! I've had a lot of fun experimenting with different hair styles!



Here are a few pics of me at the wig store...

This is the style I ended up getting, except in black! 

And here are some pictures with a couple of the different ways I wear my new wig!

Rachel and I with my final wig! 

With friends at Sheilka's 65th Birthday Party! 

The whole family enjoying LemonBerry, a gift from dear friends! 

Being goofy...

A little grainy, but this is when I got to pin on my brother's new rank! ~ and wear pig tails :)
 

Celebrating Life!!

So today was my T+100 day, and thanks to my awesome family, I've had an absolutely incredible day!!

It started out like any other day, except  I was so excited I got up at 4:30 am and had to force myself to sleep another hour.  But it was during lunchtime that my family turned a special day into an extraordinarily special day!

I'm so blessed to have such a caring and thoughtful family.  I'm so happy to have had such a wonderful opportunity to share what a loving family I have. Thanks so much guys~ you're the best!

The Delivery Crew

Another member...

Thanks Mom and Dad!!! 

Surprise visitors!

with balloons...

and chocolate cake...
and a tiara...
I wore this tiara through my BMT! 

and good friends to share it with!
Aaron, Connor, Brian and Brian, Brad, Tyler, me , and Janna.
~missing are Ari, Rachel and Kenzie, and Katy who took the picture :)
Thank you guys for celebrating with me!!
Thank you for being so supportive  and accommodating and kind to me!!

T + 100 Days!

So today is my T +100 day milestone!! 100 days from the day I got my cells back! This is kinda the first and last of the BMT milestones.  It's amazing to think that I'm there.  It seems just  a few weeks ago that I was so sick and in the hospital.  But it has been a while since I've been out, 69 days to be exact.

I'm so grateful to be with my family and having a wonderful summer. I've thoroughly enjoyed our family vacation, going to a friend's wedding, making many new friends, and so much more!

So here's what is going on medically at 100 days.  I had several scans that needed to be done, and I'm in the process of getting to those:

• Echocardiogram -ECG: tests the heart function, especially since some of my chemo meds are known to greatly affect heart function. Thankfully I haven't yet seen any heart damage!
• Pulmonary Function Test -PFT: tests lung function.  My earlier PFT showed slight damage that the doctors attributed to radiation.  But my last PFT showed more damage, so I will be seeing the pulmonologist soon.  
• Infectious Disease -ID: I'm seeing them today to determine the plan of action! 
• CT and PET- I will have these scans on July 5th; please pray for good results.  
• Restrictions: I'll be able to eat fresh stuff again! I can go out a bit more, but with my lungs I still have to be careful of catching colds.  

Ruth, Rachel and I dressed up for the wedding!

Sharing bubble tea with new friends Kenzie and Rachel!
I'm really blessed to have made a  lot of new friends this summer!!

McDonald's with Ruth, Stacey, Rachel, Audrey and Abbey!
In hindsight, if only I had switched spots with Abbey we would have looked like a triple stack oreo! 

Rachel and I with Dr. Doug Osheroff, who we met on vacation.  

Daniel and I on vacation

With my wonderful parents

I"m so grateful that God has given me more time on this earth.  I want to make sure I use this second extension on life to honor and serve Him.
This song beautifully captures what I want God to always be to me...
You Are My All in All
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
I'm seeking You like a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my cross my sin my shame
Rising again I praise Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I run dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I run dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Holy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Holy is Your name

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Dear Dad,

My first cancer brought us closer than I think we've ever been.  You took every Monday off work, to take me to the hospital.  We had the long drive to the hospital and back to be together, and all day at the hospital to get to know each other better.  That cancer helped me better understand your love for me.  You bought me so many thing, and said yes to almost anything I asked, because you knew how badly I was hurting, and tried to soothe my pain.
I remember the first time that I realized how much you wished you could make all my hurt go away...I wanted so badly to go to the concert that my friend had invited me too.  It was the first free Friday night we had had in weeks.  I knew you had had a busy week at work, and could really use a proper dinner and a quiet night at home.  But you sacrificed all that so that we could go to the concert.  I had to eat my evening meds when we finally got home after midnight.  That's when I realized just how much you loved me- when you choked back tears as you told me how badly you wished you could take the pain and pills away from me, when you said you hoped the concert gave me a few happy minutes, a reprieve from the daily battle I was facing.

I remember the day they confirmed the cancer had returned.  You cried in the car, and prayed for me.  You often stayed at the hospital during my BMT.  I know the bed was really just an uncomfortable couch, the constant movement and lights in the hall didn't let you sleep well, and the food usually wasn't the best, but I never once heard you complain.  You bought me necklaces or earrings nearly weekly.  You mailed me those cute little stickers, and bought me stationery.  Remember when you hunted for butterscotch candies? Or when you walked across the street to buy me a bagel for breakfast, because I wouldn't eat hospital food? Or when you found lactose free milk and yogurt for me? I could whisper "Dad" in the middle of the night, and I always knew that you would be right by my side.

Thankfully I'm returning to normal life again; we're establishing our morning routine again.  I love it when we share breakfast together.  Thanks for always making sure I have all my stuff and back out of the driveway without denting both our cars, again.
They say hindsight is 20/20.  I know I've gotten mad at you, talked back, griped, and often not behaved as I should. I'm sorry.  Hindsight has shown me that everything you've done, you've done because you loved me, and you tried to give me the best that you could.  Thank you for the opportunites you've given, the doors you've opened, and your support and guidance to see me through.
You've helped me gain a closer relationship to God through a closer relationship to you.  You've been willing to take my pain and suffering on yourself, just like Jesus took our sins on Himself.  You've always been there for me when I needed you, and I trust God will let you be there for me for many more years.
I'm going to close now; I can't ever write everything you've taught me through your actions or words, or all the instances that I've felt your love to me, because it would fill pages.  Thank you for being my dad.  I love you.
Happy Father's Day!
Love,
Jen

I CAN Do All Things!

There's a saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!" Most people I think would view this as a motivational saying.  While this is an encouraging statement, sometimes we reach the end of our rope, no matter how tough we think we might be.

Sometimes it seems like...
I can't take another pill
I can't drink another bitter or sickeningly sweet medicine
I can't bear the pain of another insulin shot
I can't stand another minute of no freedom as I'm hooked to multiple IV lines
I can't stand the cooped up feeling of the four confining walls another minute
I can't wait to breath some fresh air or step out in the sunshine or rain
I can't stand another interrupted night of being waken every few hours
I can't stand another taste of Heparin flush in my ports
I can't stand another minute of a tri-fusion catheter digging into my skin
I can't bear the thought of the semester of college I'm missing
I can't take another minute of the shrill beeping of the IV stand
I can't bear another minute of the crying children down the hall

But when I can't take any more, I know God is my only help.  On his last day, Dr. Cooke shared two passages of Scripture with me.  The first was Phillipians 4:13- I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me.  I can't do anything on my own, only through Christ's strength.  This is a constant reminder that I can't be dependent on my own strength, as it is failing.

The other passage he shared was Romans 8:37-39, which I have paraphrased below.
We are more than conquerors, through God who loved us.  For neither death nor life, nor angels, nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other thing is able to separate me from the love of God which is from Christ Jesus our Lord. 
I think one of the main things I've experienced through  my cancers is the love of God, whether it is feeling His love in my spirit, or through the cards/emails/visits of people I know.

So when I reach the end of MY rope, I remember that I'm God's child, so He is holding me up, with His everlasting arms of love.

Blessings from a Doctor

One special incident that happened on one of my lowest points...this past Wednesday evening Dr. Cooke, the attending oncologist, stopped by.  Unlike other doctors, he held in his hand not a stethoscope  but the ultimate textbook of healing-the Bible.    He shared with me verses ending 2 Corinthians 12, which talks about St. Paul's "thorn in the flesh".  Three times the apostle pleaded that God remove them;  Dr, Cooke likened that to three extreme situations in my life-2 cancers and a BMT.  God didn't answer the Apostle Paul with a straightforward yes/no answer, He only replied- My [God's] grace is sufficient for you, my power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  This was such a comforting reminder to me, that God's grace will always be enough to meet my needs.  

Dr. Cooke with his Bible

He also shared with me his daily devotional, which was on the life of Joseph. The main point was that through the dark times in our life we see the light of God's power, love, and might best.  Sometimes we need dark times in our lives so that we rely upon God more; too often I know, in my life, I've relied upon myself when things are easy in my life, only calling out to God when I face trials.  Dr. Cooke mentioned how important it is to be dependent on God through both the hard and easy times in our lives.  
Each day he shares an encouraging thought or verse from the Bible.  I'm so blessed to have him!  

On a side note, the initial results of my endoscopy have returned.  There is still some irritation in my stomach (which is too be expected) but thankfully not as much as was expected.  However, at one point in my stomach/intestinal meet the bile is going up, instead of down.  I've been put on a some medications that hopefully will help resolve this matter.  Other than that, please pray that I could eat and take my oral pills, so I can go home!!!!!

Various Visitors...

So many friends have graciously come and visited me.  Thank you friends, you always brighten my day!
However, there are strict rules in the ward about visitors, since everyone here is immunocompromised.  This is an important way to protect us, because if we get sick, we will become extremely sick, have to take tons of antibiotics, and feel really bad. Maybe you've never thought about the implications of getting sick when you are immunocompormised, but even the simplest cough or cold can become a really big deal.  The ward has some rules in place, to help protect us from getting sick.

1. No one is allowed to visit if they have a cough/cold/fever or sickness.  
2. No fresh flowers or plants are allowed, as they carry germs
3. No latex balloons, as there are kids allergic to them.  Only helium balloons are allowed
4. Siblings under 12 are only allowed to visit twice a week; a nurse checks them at the door and takes their temperatures.  They are only allowed for a maximum of 3 hours, and they cannot leave my room.  While I know the importance of this rule, it makes me very sad to not be able to see David, John, and Ruth very often :( 

Here are some pictures of dear friends who've visited ...

Xioajuan and Weigang, with Ruth, who was also visiting that day!  

L-R: Sno, Daffodil, John, me, Weigang, Xiaojuan, and Ruth squished in on the side!
Daffodil has become a special friend of mine!  Also, note the beautiful balloons they brought!  

Ricci, Sno, Xioajuan

Sno and Xioajuan signing my door...in English and Chinese!  

Another dear friend who came at a different time...Hua.  She's wearing a mask because I was getting my dressing changed, and everyone must then wear a mask.  Thank you for taking the time to visit!  

 Mrs. Webster was my toddler Sunday School teacher.  She graciously volunteered to stay the night with me, so my parents could go home and prepare for my arrival!  Interestingly, the night she stayed was probably my worst night ever, but she was just as loving and kind as my own mother.   She brought me some DVDs to pass the hours, and a bag of lemon napoleon candies- sour!! Thank you Mrs. Webster!

The whole gang with Mrs. Webster

A tired looking bunch...

Reading books from the hospital library with Dad.  Even thought he is reading to John and David, the whole family is listening, cuz Dad always adds twists and funny sayings to the story, so we're all always on guard to catch them!  

One of my most favorite visitors...he always climbs into my bed! Do you know who he might be?!?!? 

I always have so much fun when my siblings come!  Usually mom will pack them food, and they'll come and eat their lunch/dinner here.  It gets a little crowded, but it's totally worth it!  Then we usually watch a movie together, since there's not much else they can do in the room.  Sometimes the little guys will bring a box of Legos. When they come, they always bring me beautiful pictures and cards to hang in my room.  Often, the Pet Pals visit when the little guys are here.  That's a ton of fun, because we all love dogs!

Occasionally the big boys will come during the day, with their school work, and we'll just hang out.  However, I must say they usually disappear when I start to puke! Once I'm finished, they'll reappear with water, wash clothes, and paper towels and help me.

The Clan getting some hot chocolate....yum!

One of the worst thing about the hospital is that there is no little people chatter.  The only noise is the nurses talking, or IVs beeping.  I really miss hearing the noise of my family, and just being with them.  I'm looking forward to being with them soon!

The whole bunch (+2 cousins) visiting on Easter Sunday!!

Family friends visiting Cleveland stopped by...Thanks!  

Goofing off with my best friend Christina...

And not all of my visitors are from outside the hospital...Here I am with the BMT Nurse Coordinator- Sharon. She really gets stuff done!  Thanks for dropping by! 

And sometimes I goof of with a nurse... fun, fun fun!!

With Mrs. LiBassi...she surprised me with a visit, which was perfect because  just then I had to drink my CT contrast (nasty stuff), and she was my cheerleader.  Here we are posing with the EMPTY cup! Thanks Mrs. L!

With Abbie, my pastor's daughter.  Unfortunately, I didn't get pics of her parents!  They brought me a stack of books to keep me occupied, and I had so much fun doing puzzles with Abbie!