I Wish You Could See...

This past weekend I spent at my now 5^th annual Cancer Con, a convention for young adults with cancer.  One of the things I do (since watching The Office) is try to stop and take a “snapshot” of where I am. Just a quick memory of a wonderful moment I’d like to remember.  Every year, I wish I could take all my friends and family to CancerCon, so they can see and hear and learn from our collective groups about those of us who live with the harsh reality of cancer on a daily basis. I’ve written previous posts, trying to detail every incredible moment for you all.  But this year, I realized I’ll never be able to capture it for you.  Because not everyone reading this has had cancer.  They can’t relate on the deeper level that we connect at CancerCon.  But I always wish people I know could see some of what goes on over this weekend, and this is what I wish you could see at CancerCon 2018!

I wish you could…

I wish you could…Feel my excitement in the days prior, as my mind and soul begged for a break from “reality” and putting on the brave face for everyday work. At CancerCon it’s ok to be exhausted, or leave early, or sit on the sidelines, or not share your heart. It’s all about what you want to choose to do, which is honestly one of the most refreshing things about it.

I wish you could…See and meet one of the most incredible women in the cancer advocacy and support network, Mrs. Angie Giallourakis, sitting at your gate and being on your flight.  She has made many of my CancerCon trips possible, and I am forever grateful.

I wish you could…Feel the pain in my joints and backs as I travelled through the sky.  Every flight to Denver is fraught with fidgeting as I try to adjust to the pressure in the sky and the hard plastic of the seats.

I wish you could…Feel the exhilaration of stepping into the beautiful Denver Airport, knowing that shortly you’ll be surrounded by your people

I wish you could…Hear the conversation I had with the lady on the train to downtown, as she asked why I was in town, and I got to tell her about stupidcancer and the amazing weekend ahead. One of the reasons I wear my bracelet, or hoodies, or other merch is so people will ask me questions.  This is an important community and demographic, and we need to increase awareness!

I wish you could…Meet Brooke- my roomie for the weekend, and a dear sister in Christ, that I incidentally met last CancerCon! Funny how we have to travel to Denver to meet again….

I wish you could…Catch a tiny bit of the energy on the entire 3^rd floor of the Hyatt- the whole place is decked out in stupid cancer, even the hotel staff wear our merch!

I wish you could…Walk into the mixer with Brooke and I, and get waylaid three steps in by the ever-gregarious Kelly, bombastic Bryan, and quieter Claire (all fellow lymphoma buddies!)

I wish you could…Hear Clair and my conversation, as we exchange updates on our lives (her- marriage and home, me- graduation and job). One amazing thing about CancerCon is meeting the people from previous years, friending them on Facebook, and keeping up with the joys and sorrows of their life.

I wish you could…Meet fellow Cle peeps- Samantha, Steve, Tess and Margaux and then grab some good food!!

I wish you could…Play the get-to-know people games we did in our little circles, featuring our superhero moves

I wish you could…Scream in excitement as one of the new friends we meet in the group finds out an offer she made on a home was accepted! As exciting as milestones like this are, there is a whole new level of excitement for us. At one time, we weren’t sure if we would live to see another birthday, so to be able to reach “normal” milestones is over-the-moon amazing for us!

I wish you could…Sit with Brooke and I as we exchanged our cancer stories, and learned more about each other. It’s a completely different experience sharing a cancer story with another cancer buddy, as we understand the pains and struggles of chemo, radiation and other treatments.

I wish you could…Feel exhausted, as we choose to buy water at Walgreen’s (hello altitude!) and retire to our room rather than go out to the Howl at the Moon party. We don’t always have the strength to participate in everything, as much as we would like to.  It’s always a struggle to decide how much energy we have and what we want to do versus what we have the strength to do. Prioritizing our activities, and letting go of stuff we want to do, but don’t have the strength to do is hard.

I wish you could…Hear our late night conversation on the struggles we face in our jobs and lives.  Every year I have a conversation like this (bless you Amelia for the many times it’s been with you!).  We have fears and struggles no non-cancer person will ever know.  How do we deal with our daily lives, our work, our friends? How tiring cancer can be, and the emotional and mental toll of knowing the side effects and cancers can last the rest of our lives.  We’re only in our twenties!!

I wish you could…Wake up super early the next morning, because of the time zone!

I wish you could…Meet an older lady in the lobby, who stopped me to ask what is this “cancer con”? I explained it, and told her our lanyard colors. Red for survivors, blue for caregivers, green for advocates…but the specialist moment was when she leaned in for a hug, and whispered “I’m a red”.

I wish you could…Come with us to the blood cancers group, and hear the struggles of the many lymphoma and leukemia people there.  From fertility, to survivorship, to follow-up treatments, to chronic cancer, to chemo brain…this group is always poignant with emotions running high as survivors share and learn how to manage their lives post-cancer.  A theme at this session has always been creating a survivorship plan, because for the first time ever, we are surviving.  We are living to grow into adults, and middle-aged people, and the elderly.

I wish you could…Meet all the exhibitors, and see the many survivors who have started groups for advocacy, awareness and support. There are many stations to share our stories, complete surveys, and give our feedback to many groups who are trying to make cancer suck less. 

I wish you could…Attend the opening ceremonies, and feel the overwhelming sense of community.  There are 600 people in this room, who I can relate with on a deeper level than any other group of 600 people anywhere.

I wish you could…Hear the undefeatable Alli Ward, and how she turned her terminal diagnosis around and is busy living her best life.

I wish you could…Listen to Mellissa Ethridge play her guitar and sing her song “I run for life”. I’d never heard it before, but it was such a beautiful way to end the session.

I wish you could…Come with us on our scavenger hunt! Meet new friends, some from Ohio, one from Michigan, and two from Oregon joined our team!

I wish you could…Bond together as you solve the clues and take goofy pictures, while trying not to have to walk outside because it’s cold.

I wish you could…Hear the concerns voiced as we see an ambulance pull-up

I wish you could…Feel the gut-wrenching worry we each experienced as we hope our fellow cancer person is OK.

I wish you could…Eat breakfast with the Steve G AYA scholarships group! And get some awesome pictures taken!

I wish you could…Come get your hair and make-up done! This is my second year doing the makeover, and honestly, I don’t think I ever feel more beautiful than right after they are done.  Beauty students volunteer their time and talents to show some love to cancer peeps.

I wish you could…Walk into the opening session, just in time to hear the one and only Dan Shapiro.

I wish you could experience the tears of sadness and loss, as you hear his story, and relate to that first diagnosis as a thriving young person.

I wish you could experience the tears of despair, as the memories of that moment when you knew you had relapsed come rushing back to you as he shares his relapse story.  A memory you never hope to have to live through again. 

I wish you could experience the tears of sickness, as he speaks of the horrors and trauma of the various chemo and transplants. He only has to mention a drug, and heads nod everywhere, as so many understand the magnitude and long-term effects attributed to those treatments. This isn’t some dynamic speaker sharing a story- this is a fellow survivor, sharing his heart. And every word he speaks transports me right back to the very moments when my life seemed at its darkest hour.

I wish you could experience the tears of immense gratitude, as he speaks of a moment of dropping a pencil, and spilling a urine tray. And the nurse who cleaned him up, changed the sheets, and got him a new pencil.  For each horrible moment I was transported too, the memories of the amazing nurses and doctors who went above and beyond and loved me and cared for me…. there’s a reason this conference is so emotionally overwhelming!

I wish you could see all the survivors stand, as we give a round of deafening applause for the medical health professionals who took care of us.

I wish you could experience the tears of uncertainty, hope, despair, and freedom as Dan shares how he has never seen cancer as a gift, and wouldn’t mind at all if it had never happened.  We don’t get a choice, and that can suck. And it’s interesting to see how each person deals with the cards they are dealt.

I wish you could…Remember Matthew Zachary announce the “weekend of lots of tissues”. Btw, there are tissues on every table in the main hall, and boxes right next to the water jug in every room. Because we need to hydrate, and we will be crying.

I wish you could…Come hear what survivors have to say in the single ladies talk. Dating and relationships (and even the thought of them) can be so daunting. This year was honestly one of the most incredible versions of this session.  Every year, it is so inspiring to hear what others have gone through, and how they are living their lives.  There are also talks for guys and married ladies at this same time.

I wish you could…Hear a one-armed girl share her courageous story of learning to love herself

I wish you could…Eat lunch with a girl who only ate six pieces of plain penne, because she has rectal cancer and literally can’t eat anything else. Dietary restrictions are a huge part of cancer life ☹

I wish you could…Participate in a solo survivors group discussion, where we share the many issues we face as we deal with cancer or it’s after effects on a daily basis. What to do when your “friends” walk away, how to increase awareness, how to respond to stupid comments…

I wish you could…Meet the many people who are bald, have amputations, have braces, so many visible physical struggles. Yet, this is our safe place. No one is staring, or thinking any less.  Because while our friends have visible scars, we have scars hidden by clothes or wigs or scarves.

I wish you could…Attend a session by Dan Shapiro, where we learn what a badass does. While his 30 some points are humorous, everything he says is grounded in reality. Any outsider sitting in will probably wonder why we laugh and joke about being in the hospital, or losing control of parts of our life, or assigning victory points to every bad thing that happens, or so many other aspects of the cancer life.  If we didn’t make light of it, the pain of it would be too great a burden to bear.

I wish you could…Get all glammed up for CancerCon nights in Hollywood! And walk the red carpet, and get our picture taken by the paparazzi. And feel like a rock star for a night. And participate in the photo booth (multiple times, with all our different friend groups)

I wish you could…Dance to Party in the USA, make some s’mores, dance some more! And then sit down, because your feet hurt, your mouth is dry, you’re too tired, or so many more reasons. And then you talk to the others also sitting off to the side for the same reasons.

I wish you could…Not feel guilty for being the party pooper, because you don’t have the strength to keep going. And also, there are so many others also too tired to dance, sitting at your table. 

I wish you could…Table-dance with us. You sit in your chair, and just move your hands, because that’s all you have energy for.

I wish you could…See when the dance floor split in half, and the DJ had to get everyone off so they could fix it.

I wish you could…Say goodbye to your dancing friends and collapse into bed.  And then wake-up, then fall back asleep because your body is about to run out of fuel, from emotional and physical exhaustion.

I wish you could…Attend the session on relationships, and realize everyone struggles with communicating how they feel.

I wish you could…listen to someone comment on how much your body aches, and get “mine too” from everyone around.

I wish you could…See me shoot a quick video for stupidcancer, on why you should go to CancerCon, and how to get busy living.  Spoiler- everyone with cancer should go at least once.

I wish you could…Attend the session on dating, and commiserate with the struggle of when to tell the other person that you have had this major, life-altering, catastrophic event in your life, but yeah, tell me about yourself?

Rush to grab a packaged lunch and catch the bus and then the train and then the plane.

That’s a wrap.

Until next year. We are stupidcancer.

Even If the Healing Doesn't Come

A few weeks ago, I watched the Grey's Anatomy episode for the week.  And it really hit home with some stuff I've been dealing with.  April Kepner is a talented surgeon, and grew up a devout Christian.  Through the show, we get a sense of her committed faith, and how she does "all the right things". But life hits her hard.  She fails her board exams, loses a child in stillbirth, gets a divorce, and watches so much death and trauma on the battlefield and at home. Her faith is shaken quite badly, and we see her struggling to find her way. In this episode, Eli, a dying rabbi is brought in.  He had a rare allergic reaction to medication, a very unfair and unexpected situation.  Eli draws out April's feelings, and she express her disappointment and anger at God, who could be so unfair in life, and to her, when she did everything he asked of her.  And the rabbi points out that we don't ask why when God gives us good things, only the bad ones.  And life isn't fair.  The Bible is filled with unfair situations to the people of God. Jesus himself had it pretty rough. "No one in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice, so why should our own lives be any different?" 

This episode hit me pretty hard. I felt a lot like April.  I haven't done anything super bad in my life like kill someone or anything. But sometimes it seems like I've drawn the short straw.  There is so much good in my life, but sometimes it seems like the pain really just outweighs it.  And I often wonder why. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering, but there are some days that are just harder than others.  Days when I can't seem to keep up with life. Whether it be chemobrain acting up and taking me double the time to actually be able to write a report, or allergies knocking me flat on my back struggling to breathe, or even something so stupid as the rain and weather causing my knees to hurt so badly I can barely walk. 

No one tells you cancer will be with you f o r e v e r. Ending chemo or radiation or a transplant or surgery is not the end. Your life does not go back to whatever it was before.  You are forever changed- physically and mentally.  It was/is a hard realization.  Now I'm far enough out that I don't really remember my life trajectory before cancer. But I wonder what my day would be like without the pain and side effects that cancer left. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over my knee-jerk reaction of "the cancer is back" when I'm unusually tired or can't breathe. I wonder if I'll ever be able to smell foaming hand sanitizer and not gag. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop dreading every doctor's appointment, and what they might find.  There's a word in the cancer community- scanxiety.  Anxiety brought on by impending medical imaging.  It's real- ask any cancer fighter. I don't think it goes away. I reached 5 years post transplant last month. Whoop dee do. I feel like I should be more excited.  Five years is a big mark. It signifies a reduced risk of the cancer returning.  But somehow I felt like a deflated balloon.  My insulin pump is not going anywhere.  Neither is the estrogen or hormone therapies. Neither is the stomach issues that are forcing me to be increasingly guarded in what I eat. Neither is the joint pain with the weather changes. I  never dreamed I'd be 23 and feel like I was trapped in an old body. It's hard. It's devastatingly hard to comprehend that this is my reality. That the stash of pill bottles on top of my fridge is never going to decrease, and same with the insulin supply inside the fridge. 

Since cancer, I never planned my life more than till the next scans.  If I was feeling courageous, I'd plan till the end of the semester. Now, my calendar is scheduled to August, and I'm being asked to block out vacation time months in advance. It's a weird and hard thing to deal with. I long to tell the scheduling assistant that I don't know what will happen in August. Maybe I'll need to take a day of for new imaging, or new vaccines.  Maybe these vaccines won't work [again] and I'll have to begin a new round, that will require additional time off.  Maybe...so. many. different. scenarios. Life is hurtling me towards planning ahead. My annual evaluation asked for my goals for the year. I now have clients I am supposed to work with for at least the next three years. Friends have asked me to visit Europe next spring. I'm looking at different life decisions, that will affect me for 5 years at the very least. And now finally I'm looking at my life.  Not 3-6 months of life, but the next 20 years of life.  I have a life now, and I'm so grateful for that. But it's daunting to think that every single day of my life is going to be a struggle. 

And that's where God comes in. We established life wasn't fair, and we can't expect a life free of suffering or injustice.  Eli tells April, "Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believed when things were good."  I've been thinking a lot more about faith.  Recently, I shared my story at my church cancer support group.  I'm the youngest person there, and the coordinator commended me on my faith for someone so young.  I wanted to tell him it was all a sham.  I didn't feel like I had any faith.  I'm just picking up my feet and putting them down because I have to. I'm not the crying type. But that tv episode had me crying, as I realized I've been trying to get by on the good times.  Faith needs the hard times. Faith needs the struggles, and heartache, and disappointment. Without them, faith is just enjoying good fortune. The day after I watched this episode, I heard two songs on the radio, back to back. 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to // Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane // That could never change who You are // And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come // And life falls apart // And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good // Forever faithful One // Even if the healing doesn’t come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways // So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us // You tenderly love us
We know Your heart // And we rest in who You are
You’re still the Great and Mighty One // We trust You always // You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise // You are God and we will bless You // As the Good and Faithful One

**This.  It doesn't matter the circumstances.  My ever changing worries/wants/desires/needs won't change the fact of all God has already done for me.  He has kept his promises.  He is forever faithful. 

It's easy to sing // When there's nothing to bring me down //But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame // Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can // Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't // My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith // To move a mountain // Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now // But God, when You choose // To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing // It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can // Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't // My hope is You alone // I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word // But even if You don't // My hope is You alone

The author is so right. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if God would just say a word. I don't know why he does or doesn't.  April later tells the doctor who prescribed the medication that ultimately killed Eli "Some things happen, and we don't get to know why." She's so right. We don't always get the answers we so desperately search for, but that doesn't mean we sink to the depths of despair.  I was wondering where this lead. What do you do when your life seems less than perfect, and the daily struggles seemingly will never end? Eli had a final parting word for April. "The world is full of brokenness.  It's our job to put it back together again." I've seen the little sayings "everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about". It's very true. But I think we may take it as a cliche feel-good statement. Do we actually treat people like they have their daily battles? Do we show them grace when they are short-tempered or rude or annoying to us? Everyone is hurting to some extent.  We who have the light of life must be a beacon of hope to those in this broken world.  

Surviving College with Cancer- The Friends Edition

I remember my 2nd class ever of college- English Comp 1.  It took me a long time to walk from Calculus 1 to Comp 1, so I was late, and had the seat nearest the door and the front.  The teacher opened with one of the "everyone introduce yourself and say something interesting" things.  I gave my name, high school, and some random stuff and stopped.  And she kept looking at me, like she knew there was something more I had to say.  Then bald little me blurted out "And I just beat cancer". And someone on the other end of the classroom started clapping, and soon everyone was clapping.  And in that moment, I felt accepted into that class.  I'm still friends with two people from that class, and close friends with a third.
So this post is for you, friends of the person in college with cancer.  Maybe you knew your cancer friend before they had cancer, or maybe you met them bald in college. Either way, we are a unique group of students, and I hope you'll take the time to read how you can help us survive the college journey together with you.

Helen Keller said, "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

Celebrate us. We've been through hell.  We deserve to be treated well.  One friend surprised me at Bible study with cupcakes and balloons for my 2 year BMT birthday. Another included me for a special snow globe photo event. One friend wrote a card that simply said she noticed how hard I worked and how cheerful I tried to be, and included a candy bar.  Simple, random acts of kindness.

Encourage us. College is hard for everyone.  Imagine yourself in your normal level of stress and work, and then think about how you would feel if you also had trouble breathing, were tired all the time, your bones hurt, the weather gave you a bad cough, you had to take 3 hours out of your busy schedule to go to the doctor every week, you had trouble remembering things or processing classes, and you were trying desperately not to get the cold literally the entire college has.  That's a little bit of what we go through. We want to keep up with you, academically and socially, but we can't.  We need to take less classes every semester.  We can't go to all the social events that you go to.  Our bodies don't have the strength or energy to last as long as you can.  We can't pull all-nighters, so let's all do our homework together earlier.  Encourage us by letting us know you saw how hard we worked for that decent grade, or by letting us know that you appreciate the effort we made on the group project.

Protect us.  Our bodies have taken a beating.  Help us out.  I know you may be a super-fit individual, who has no trouble making it up two flights of stairs.  But I'm not. My lungs only work at 40%, and my heart is also borderline abnormal function.  I'll never forget the day when I entered the building with my friends, and one of them immediately pushed the elevator button.  I had expected all of them to go up the stairs, but that small act of riding the elevator with me is forever seared in my memory. If it's cold, offer to bring us food so we don't have to go out in the weather.  Offer to get books from our cars or lockers. Offer to carry them.  We have pride, and may not let you carry them everytime, but please still ask.  I promise you, we appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Tease us. If any of my friends read this, please don't take this as an invitation to tease me more! But don't treat us like glass.  We want to be included.  I do get miffed when the guys won't stop teasing me. But then I remember that's because they've included me.  They're accepting that I'm their equal, and I'm grateful for that.

Miss us.  I remember the semester that I missed half the classes because of the hemolytic anemia.  The first time I wasn't at class (without prior notice), I had slept in because the steroids had hit in full force.  Two minutes after the scheduled class time, my phone was blowing up with texts from my concerned classmates, on why I wasn't in my usual spot.  I was blown away by the care these lovely girls showed me.  In so many classes since, just a simple text to make sure I was ok when I wasn't in class has shown how much my classmates truly care.  Texting takes just a few moments- use those moments to show that you missed your friend, and noticed their absence.

Choose us. Maybe we aren't the sharpest anymore. And we're going to miss group meetings because we're sick or doctor appointments.  And maybe you don't think we're going to pull our weight.  Guess what? We know this too.  And we feel terrible about it.  But please pick us.  Don't wait till everyone else is on a team.  Choose us first. We already feel like we aren't going to be able to contribute 100% to your team.  Don't make us feel even worse by being the last one picked.  And you know what- we just might surprise you.  Yes we may be a little slow, but we're not stupid.  We still know things that can help you.  We'll do our research before the team meeting.  We've learned what it is to face insurmountable odds- a tough homework isn't going to faze us!

Hear us.  We're a tough lot.  We're not gonna go around begging for favors or complaining.  We won't let you know when we've had enough.  Remember, we get tired much sooner than you.  Watch if we go sit by ourselves in a corner after a little while.  Perhaps we're not eating as much as everyone.  We're getting tired.  We need to work on telling you, but we're trying to hold on to what little pride and dignity we have left.  We don't want to cut short on your fun.  So please suggest we go home. Or go somewhere quiet.

Love us. We need a little extra TLC. But we are still humans. We are still your classmates. And we are fighting like crazy to finish college with you.  Please try to understand that, and take a few minutes out of your day to remember and encourage us.  Thanks for being part of our lives.

Surviving College after You've Survived Cancer

One hundred and twenty days.  And I will be a college graduate .

Two years ago I attended a session called "Cancer and College" at CancerCon.  I was looking for tips that could help me in my college journey, but was shocked to find that I was already doing everything the speaker recommended!
I never would have thought that I was remotely qualified to ever write on this topic, but as I near the end of my academic career, I feel like I might finally have permission to speak on it, and try to help some of my fellow AYA survivors get busy living in college!
Here are the five people most important to your success in college (in no particular order)

1. Office of Accessibility (OA)
First, let me take a moment and brag on what an absolutely incredible OA the University of Akron has!! Granted, my dad dragged me in the first time I ever went there, but from then on they are like my ever-ready back-up troops, just waiting for me to use!  The people there are always extremely kind, and go out of their way to help me.
But, back on track. I had no idea what an OA could do. So in case you have no idea, let me tell you!
First, there is a disability specialist.  He or she is your go-to point person. I send my specialist all my latest doctor letters and information, which she keeps on file.  When I'm sick, I just let her know I'm in the hospital, or whatever the situation, then she informs all my professors.  This really saves a lot of time and hassle for me when I'm not well. Any questions/problems/issues are all worked through with her!
Accommodations: So my disability specialist helped me sort out my accommodations.  It was deemed that I needed 50% extra time on tests, because of my neuropathy and chemo brain.  Because of my neuorpathy, I've also been able to type instead of hand write tests with heavy writing portions.  I've also utilized the switching classrooms accommodation, so I didn't have to walk as far between classes.  Another useful one for me was the alternative textbook format.  Textbooks can be quite heavy! The OA has most of the college textbooks on file in PDFs, that they can send you to use, so you don't have to lug a textbook around.  If they don't have it on file, they'll scan your book for you! There are so many different accommodations offered- these are just the main ones I've used!
Don't be ashamed or embarrassed to utilize these.  It was really hard for me to accept that I needed the extra test time and the help, but it has really helped me through school.

2. Dean's Office
Make yourself known to your dean! For me, this was the Dean of the Honors College, and eventually the Dean of Engineering.  As big and scary as some deans can seem, they are all there trying to promote the welfare and success of their students.  Just stop by, explain your situation, and let hem know that you are trying your best in college!
My relationship with Dean Mugler of Honors really helped me when I relapsed.  He put all my scholarship on hold while I was out of school, and send the various student groups to visit me! His office also sent me a beautiful card every week.  The engineering Dean's office was also a huge help in getting me into classes I needed, because I was off schedule with the rest of my class.
One of the biggest helps from all the Dean's Offices has been the emotional support they've provided. I received numerous cards from them when I was in school, and they helped me obtain many scholarships as well.  Just this last semester, I had to have a CT for some things, and received so many encouraging emails and words of support as I waited for the scan results.  Being surrounded by people who care about you, and are looking out for you- I can't begin to explain how much that helps me.

3. Professors
Let your professor know your situation.  I've heard both sides of this argument, but my advice is to tell them right at the beginning.  This doesn't mean you're going to get special treatment- believe me, I haven't! What it does do is help them understand when you need to miss a class, or reschedule a test.  I always wait till the 2nd class (to make sure I'm still going to take the class, and also everyone wants to talk to the professor the 1st class :[ ) then I give them a letter from my doctor (to be spoken about later) and explain my 50% time accommodation.  I'll then touch base with them before a test, as some like me to take the test in their office, others with the class and then finish the test in their office, and some in the OA.
One of my professors stopped me after class and asked me in depth about my cancer.  I was on high-dose steroids in her class, and it helped her understand why I was fidgety, had trouble concentrating, and sometimes didn't make it to class.  Another professor suggested I take an incomplete in the class- this just meant I could take the final later than the rest of the class, which allowed me more time to study, and also resulted in me being less stressed!

4. Doctors and your medical staff
You already know they're your best friends.  Use them.  My social worker wrote me a doctor letter that I give to all my professors.  It has a really brief medical history, and also outlines that they (the doctors) recommend that I stay hydrated and eat during the day, and also may need to rest through the day.  It lets the professors know that I'm not making this up!
Also, if you are ever admitted, or have appointments, try to get a doctors letter and give to your professors.  It builds your credibility, while also showing that you're still dealing with stuff medically!

5. You
You know who you used to be pre-cancer. Don't let yourself get in your way.  It was/is so easy to get discouraged in college.  It's really tough for kids who haven't had cancer! You will be busy and stressed and tired.  You'll also be trying so hard not to get the cold that's going around the dorms. And trying to get enough sleep. While still being as involved in normal college living.  It's a really tough balance. You may have to readjust your grade expectations.  You may have to learn where all the elevators on campus are.  You may have to ask your friends to carry your books. Or take notes for you when you don't make it to class.
Learn about the new you.  And don't hate that new person. That was my biggest mistake.  I tried to be the pre-cancer me, with all the grades, and activities and the put-together life.  And I got so discouraged when I failed miserably.  But that's not who I am.  I am the post-cancer Jennifer. Chemobrain is real.  Classes are extremely hard.  The cold weather means I'm going to have an exhausting cough till April.
Find what works for you.  I found my brain couldn't process a 3 hour long final.  I finally learned to ask professors if I could split the final, and they all agreed.  And my grades went up a bit.  I found that I need to be involved with people, to help me balance my academics.  And I needed to have a highly organized schedule because I didn't have the strength to pull all-nighters or the memory to do my assignments on time!
Give yourself some credit. Honestly, that's been my biggest struggle.  I was always afraid giving myself credit meant being a proud peacock.  It doesn't.  It means you have overcome impossible odds, and are still pushing through.  I've finally learnt to be proud in what I've accomplished.  I'm going to graduate in 4 months.  It's been 9 very hard and long semesters so far, and now I only have 1 left!
Lastly, find your people.  This summer I watched Grey's Anatomy, and my favorite phrase from that is "You're my person".  Find your person.  Find the one that you can call and cry with, or call and celebrate with.  That will pray for you, and support you, and encourage you.  The ones that will tease you and make fun of the way you talk. And will include you in their lunches.  And will ask if you're doing OK.
Because you absolutely cannot do college on your own.

**The following is what my freshman year chemistry professor wrote me, after reading this post.  Thanks for sharing a professor's perspective Dr. Tessier!

I read your update and I wanted to add two things to your advice, from the perspective of a professor.

- A small number of students resent OA and the services it provides. So, if possible, discuss OA concerns in private with your professor and don’t broadcast that you have received accommodations. I think this is particularly important in a large classroom setting. From my experience, the large classroom is most manageable when all students feel that I am treating everyone the same.   

- If your situation is improving, you may want to ask the professor to help wean you off any accommodations. Even open-minded people (professors writing letters of recommendation, potential employers, admission committees) may have a bit lower opinion of your abilities if your receive accommodations. I once worked with a young man to wean him off accommodations. With each exam I treated him more normally. He took the final exam with the rest of the class. When he turned in the exam, he was actually beaming. He did well and with no accommodations. I was able to write a very strong letter for him because he had made it to “normal”.  I think graduate/professional schools and employers like to hear such success stories. 

Nothing is Wasted

A few summers ago, when I was working in Solon, I started attend a college-age group called Standpoint, based out of Parkside Church.  It was close to work, so I'd grab a light dinner, and head over to Dan and Olivia's house after work.  They always welcomed me with open arms, and eventually their kindness and love drew my entire family to Parkside.  

Late one night, after our Bible study, Olivia, a friend, and I were talking in the basement.  My friend and I were both busy with life, and struggling with various things- I don't remember the details.  But Olivia shared a promise of God with me- that he will restore everything that the locust has eaten/taken away.  And he won't just match it, he'll restore it overflowing, shaken-down, so much bigger and better than ever I could imagine.  She also shared that sometimes the restoration isn't immediate, but God always keeps his word.  

So many times through the last few years I've remembered that.  It's really hard to constantly deal with the new normal.  I want to compare myself to who I was, or try to do what I used to do, or enjoy what I could once do.  And it gets discouraging.  Really fast.  But I've just tried to remember those pesky little locusts- they may take everything you once held dear, but God is so much bigger and better then the locusts, and he always keeps his word! 

Through this semester, I've begun to see some of the restoration.  The biggest blessing has been catching up to my class.  I didn't think that dream would ever become reality, especially as it meant extra classes, extra semester, and a ton of extra work! But God has been faithful, and I'm all caught up! 

That being said...I've been battling a cold the last few weeks.  Whenever I get a cold, my body has a lot of difficulty just functioning.  Plus I get a really bad cough with the cold weather.  Between feeling horrible, and being super crazy busy with school right now, I've been feeling really discouraged.  On the way home from church this afternoon, I heard the song "Nothing is Wasted". I've included the words below.  I'm at school working on a huge presentation for tomorrow right now, with the song on repeat.  It's such a calming reminder that God won't waste the seemingly wasted time with cancer.  

Whatever the locusts are eating in your life right now, nothing is wasted. 

You know my every need
You see my poverty
You are enough for me, Jesus
You gave the blind man sight
You raised the dead to life
You've done the same for me, Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Your word inside of me
My strength, my everything
My hope will always be Jesus
Your breath inside my lungs
You're worthy of my trust
You will forever be Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Nothing is wasted
You work all things for good
Nothing is wasted
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

Your promise remains
Forever You reign
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

Hello, It's Me...for the first time this year

I write this from a warm home;  cheery lights brighten the kitchen that I'm sitting in.  My family is in the next room, with their small group Bible study- I just finished one homework, and needed to write my thoughts before I begin more homework.
Today has been a long day.  It's not quite over yet.  This week has been long, and it's only Wednesday! This month has been long...I'm really tired.
I haven't posted in a while.  Life has been very busy.  I'm all caught up in college-so excited about that!! But it is not easy.  I'm taking a whopping seventeen credit hours-my most to date.  Classes are very hard, and quite time consuming.  I don't seem to have a free moment to myself, and by Thursday my energy for the week is spent.  But I couldn't be happier.  I'm back with my year-and my wonderful friends (Sara, Jeff, Josh, Kyle and Ean).  I've made a new set of friends, that I think I'm going to keep :) (this means you - Joan, AJ, Ben, Matt, Ryan and Paul) among others.  The amount of homework is incredible, but when I'm sitting in the Mechanical Engineering lab, flanked by the guys I'm proud to call my friends, I couldn't wish for anything more.  So many times in the last few weeks I've stopped, mid-seemingly-impossible-problem, and thanked God for allowing me another chance at life, and for giving me the strength and ability to catch up to them, and to plod through  this semester together.
But sometimes life seems too good to be true.  I strongly believe the saying "If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true."  Sometimes I worry that all this will be taken away.  That I won't be able to complete senior year with these guys.  I remember my first semester of college, and the amazing time I had.  This semester seems even more incredible than that.  And I remember the heart-wrenching pain of having to drop out second semester.  I'm really scared that it might happen again.  Sometimes I just want to freeze time as is-freeze the happy memories as we snapchat across the classroom, or try to take each other's things, or go to a range, or get Insomnia cookies, or learn about the difference between an '85 and '86 Toyota, or really just do life together.
Last Thursday was rough.  I came of three back-to-back tests.  I do. not.do.well. in back-to-back tests.  Ever.  This time was no exception.  My body ached with the changing weather (#bonemarrowprobs), my shoulder hurt (#heavybackpack), my brain seemed to be on fire (#engineering).  And then I was scrolling on Facebook before class.  And saw a tribute to a woman I met at Cancer Con.  She had a table right next to Rainbow's, and sewed "Survival Organs." Adorable little stuffed things shaped in different tumor and cell shapes.  She had her first baby at Christmas time.  She was the very picture of vitality and happiness, and youth- and suddenly she was gone.  It stung.  The wonderful thing about Cancer Con was meeting so many incredible people.  The horrible thing is that I hurt whenever one of them is gone.
To add to it, a friend I made at the Gathering Place young adult retreat, called saying her cancer had reoccurred for a third time, taking her out of a clinical trial. I know life isn't fair, but sometimes it's really hard to accept how things can go so well for some people, and not for others.  
The minute I was finished with my first round of tests, I had today to deal with.  My first day at Survivor Clinic.  As awesome as it sounds, I was terrified.  I was supposed to be in survivor clinic last year, but instead they found the hemolytic anemia, which triggered an awful steroid regiment.  I dreaded today, and what they may find.  It's really hard for me to differentiate when I'm tired from all the schoolwork, and when there may be something else going on.
Monday night at my campus Bible study, my verse for the night was from John 13:7 "Jesus [said], "What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand." It was the best reminder, because right now there is SO much I don't understand.  I have so many questions about all the stuff that has happened/continues to happen to me.  This verse reminded me that Jesus said I won't understand right now.  I don't know when I will understand, but I can be strong in the promise that I will understand.  One of my favorite songs right now is "You Remain" by Saints.  The chorus goes "You are Undeniable.  You are God, and God you are able.  The storm will rise-So let it rise!- because we believe, that you'll remain faithful." This song has been running through my head, and in church, and on Ean's phone, for the last few days.  It has been such a comforting reminder to let the storm rise, because it gives God an opportunity to show himself faithful to me, and the others in my life.
This morning was so hard.  I had two classes, which was a good distraction, but after that I had about 30 minutes to kill before I had to go to Cleveland; blessings on the friend who allowed me to hang on their sleeve the whole time. I didn't want to go.  It took everything I had just to walk down the long hall in ASEC to leave my friends and go to my car.  I literally dragged my feet, as I didn't want to face the unknown.  And God reminded me to let the storm, if any, rise, because He is faithful.  And with that confidence, I was able to go to Cleveland.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I wrote this eleven days ago.  I wanted to find out test results before I posted it, and haven't had a chance yet to do so.  I found out all my tests came back almost normal and I'm thanking God for that.

Dream Night

Hi Friends.  I know I haven't blogged in a while, but tonight was really special and even though I have so many other things I could be doing, I had to share a small bit of it with you.
Life's been crazy.  I'm doing ok...hopefully post more about that later.  I'm in summer classes, so life's been pretty hectic.  Today ended week 3 for me.  I only have two weeks left for my differential equations (diff eq) class, and five weeks left for my other two classes.  Today was really, really long.  The last few weeks, the time has been just right for me to study for my weekly diff eq test, and do a few assignments in my other classes.  However, next week I have two other tests and two other huge homeworks, along with my diff eq test.  I was really starting to stress about how I was going to have time for everything.  Would I be able to complete the work in time; would I be able to comprehend and remember all the material; would I have the strength to make it through another tiring week.  So. many. worrying. questions.
And then tonight happened.  I was at my oncologist Tuesday, and my Child Life Lisa handed me a flier for Dream Night, and suggested I go with the family.  Only Rachel, David, and John were available so I RSVPed for us four, and we went tonight.  it. was. magical.  Just looking at the magnanimity of the event, and all that had been thought of and provided for us, filled my heart to overflowing. I'd like to share a little bit of that magic with you, if I can.
Dream Night was held from 6-8:30, after hours at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.  It focus on children with serious medical illnesses or disabilities, and their families.  In the Welcome Plaza were several costumed characters, including a Minion, Tiger, Elsa & Anna, Optimus Prime & Bumblebee, Tinker Bell, Snow White, the Fairy Godmother, and many, many more, along with bubble machines.  Each character was so friendly and welcoming, and posed for pictures.  It was a special treat to see Mr. and Mrs. Webster volunteering there tonight, and their son T.J. as Stripes the Tiger! They have been a huge blessing in my life, and seeing them was a welcome surprise!
















Throughout the zoo, there was ample refreshments.  There were hot dogs for dinner, and concession stands with cotton candy, slushees, popsicles, pretzels, and water bottles! David and John had a blast eating all that sugar! Ben & Jerry's had also opened for the evening, so that was a special treat!













Near the entrance, there was a fire truck, and other large construction trucks that you could explore! Rachel and I were able to climb on the cement mixer.












We were able to go on the Outback Adventure Train, which we have never done! We were also able to go on the carousel. It was so fun to see the joy of kids in wheelchairs as they were able to ride tonight! One girl kept clapping her hands, and her face looked like it would burst with joy! The tram was also running all night.  The tram drivers were so friendly and helpful, making sure everyone was able to get where they wanted to go.





















One of the highlights of our night was getting to see Georgia and Christina Nixon, who we met at the Ronald McDonald House (RMH).  It was really fun to get to hang out with them, and meet several other RMH  residents and end our night together.



Usually I don't enjoy going to the zoo. Walking everywhere, usually in the heat, is quite tiring, and the more tired I am the grumpier I get.  Tonight was special because everything had been planned with the intention of accomodating everyone. Also, God provided a beatufiul temperature, and held of the rain!
Although I am tired, I was able to enjoy the zoo.  For two reasons.  First, the volunteers helped me to enjoy the night.  So many people helped out.  They gave up their Friday night, to dress up in a costume, or serve slushees, or drive a tram.  Each and every one of them had a big smile on, and was eager to assist in any way they could.  If you have the time, volunteer somewhere.  Find a cause you care about, and just give 2 hours out of your week to further that cause.  There is always a need for volunteers, and places are usually willing to train you to best assist them.  If you don't have the time right now, donate money. Dream night was provided at no charge thanks to the generous sponsorship of many organizations.  Whether you give time or money, remember it is more blessed to give, than to receive.
Secondly, everyone seemed to be moving at a more leisurely pace; usually I feel like people at the zoo are trying to take pictures of as many animals as possible, as fast as possible.  Today, it was about enjoying life.  Taking the time to watch the bear get up from behind the tree trunk. Enjoying the tussle of two young kangaroos. STicking out slushee colored tongues. Dancing in the plaza. RUnning after the bubbles.  I think each family there realized that life was a gift. Tonight was a night to enjoy nature, and each other. Life is a gift to us all.  No matter where you are in your life, as long as you have breath, you can find a reason to be grateful.  Take a moment and count your blessings.  Do a random act of kindness, to bless someone else's day.  No matter how hectic life may seem, be grateful you are able to do your work or school or housework.  Somewhere in a hospital is a person wishing that they could worry about work deadlines, school tests, or household messes. But they can't.  They have to worry if they'll have the strength to get out of bed; the energy to cook dinner; or if they will live. So count your blessings, and you will be encouraged.
Well it's pretty late, and I'm pretty tired, so sweet dreams :)

The Best is Yet to Come!

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted; Thank you to the many people who pray and encourage me, and I know I owe you an update. Also, this is like the fourth time I've come to edit this post, so I guess it’s time to just post it. So here it is.

Physical

As far as the cancer goes, I am now approaching 2-years since my BMT (March 18th, 2013)! While I'm so grateful to be cancer free, there are many other issues that I'm currently dealing with. This summer my sugars, which tended to be high when I was on steroids, suddenly skyrocketed. I'm currently on insulin and medication to hopefully bring those numbers down. Also, I've been having some breathing troubles, which are definitely NOT helped by the record setting cold temperatures here in Cleveland as of late. The breathing issues definitely make me much more tired, which just makes school harder.

In February, I was in the hospital for 2 days, due to numbness in my hand; the doctors originally were worried about it being a seizure or stroke, but thankfully it was probably just a pinched nerve. About a week later, I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. The current thought is that it is liver/gallbladder issues, post-chemo.

Upcoming appointments during my spring break:

• 2-yr post-cancer scans!
• 3rd round of vaccines
• GI doctors, for liver/gallbladder issues
• Endocrine for sugars

Academic

In school I'm currently starting my 5th of 10 semesters, so nearly half-way through! This has been my hardest class load ever, as I'm hitting the hard core engineering classes. Sometimes it gets discouraging to not see my grades as high as I'd like them, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. This past fall semester was extremely tough, but this spring has been going much better! I'm excited for the friends I've made in classes. Please pray that I'll be able to get good grades this semester.  I'll also be taking classes this summer, and fall, as well as spring 2016, going for a total of 5 semesters back-to-back, so I'd greatly appreciate your prayers.

Other stuff...
Written on a rough day early this semester. Thought I'd just include it.
In other words...
2014 was a really tough year. Sometimes I thought it tougher than fighting cancer. With cancer, there was a definite, attainable goal in sight: beat it. I knew what I had to do, each day, every day. People were there for me. I felt supported and strong, and knew what I had to do.

This past year was really, really different. I had a fantastic spring semester. And then I started my 2nd summer internship with Swagelok; again, another great time. But through the summer different health issues came up. I thought that I was done with cancer. Great! I'm done with all treatments and medications! Not true. My sugars started acting up, my skin was scarily dry, my stomach started being weird. So many different things that were stark reminders that I wasn't the healthy person I thought I was.

The fall semester was incredibly tough. It was a difficult course load, but also done without my awesome friends. It was rough not knowing ANYONE in the class. I didn't really have the confidence I used to have to make friends. All the kids were there in their freshman cliques, and I didn't fit in. One girl even went so far as to ask me "aren't you older than the rest of us?” It hurt to see other kids making friends with random people, exchanging phone numbers, forming study groups, while I was all alone.
Continuing on to finish the story from earlier...I wasn't looking forward to 2015. The last year that I made a concrete set of New Year's resolutions, and was fully committed to fulfilling each one, was in 2012. I was initially diagnosed 10 days later. Again in 2013, I had my 2nd diagnosis to look forward to. In 2014, I was super sick all of Christmas break, so just being able to go to school was accomplishment enough. This year, I was just too discouraged to even think about making resolutions or setting any goals for myself.

In January, on my 3-yr diagnosis anniversary, I attended The U, a monthly gathering for young adults. The message that night was that "this is God's year to act (Luke 4:18)". Pastor Josh Pancher said "you either approach the year with faith or fear. Faith approaches the possibility. Fear approaches the problem." I realized that I was approaching 2015 with fear. Fear of not doing well in classes, fear of getting cancer again, fear of all the side effects, fear of not making friends, fear of so. many. different. things. Pastor Josh went on to say "for every problem, find a promise." I've gone back to the promise God gave me when I ended my first cancer's treatments, from Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I realized that God's promise to prosper me, and to give me "hope and a future" were still true-the best is yet to come. That message ended with 5 things to do.

• Encourage often
• Honor always
• Give generously
• Serve faithfully
• Live boldly

While I could think of things that I were doing in most of the categories, I realized I wasn't living boldly. I was cowering under the weight of what might happen, not living boldly in the promises of all the good that God has allowed to have happened.

Just to list out a few things God has allowed to have happened in this New Year...

• Made an awesome new friend, who is in a lot of my classes- Annie <3
• Made wonderful friends through the U on Campus Bible Study
• Been able to share my testimony at Standpoint, the college group at Parkside Church, which has also led to new friends...
• New friends, and prayer partners through the Cancer Support Group at Parkside Church
• A warm and loving church family
• Been able to again be involved with BEST Medicine Science and Engineering Fair
• My hospital stays have not had anything major come up
• Been able to manage in my classes
• Got a dog :)
• Will celebrate 2-years from my BMT on 3/18/15!
• A scholarship to attend CancerCon, a conference for young adult cancer survivors!

A verse that's been encouraging me, and the one from earlier...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen-Ephesians 3:20-21

And as always, to close with a song; this one has been running through my head almost daily since I heard it at a conference...

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So Ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all
So Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
~ Hillsong

National Cancer Survivor Day Musings

Today is National Cancer Survivor's Day. I thought I'd post an update, but when I went to my drafts I found this in there.  I wrote it about three weeks ago.  The hurt I felt then is gone now, but re-reading it brought a rush of memories of how I felt. Discouraged. Defeated. Just Down. While I realize that I have so much to be thankful for, I'm human, and don't always remember to "Give thanks without ceasing." My hope in including it is that perhaps it will give you a little better understanding into the life of Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) survivors. 

"This week is finals week.  I had a Calculus II final at 7AM Monday morning, a paper due Tuesday at noon, and then a Physics final coming up on Friday morning. 
I just got a grade back in Calculus...I went into the final with an A, but came out with a B.  Somehow that has really just got me discouraged.  It's really hard being a cancer survivor in college. Sometimes I don't know where to summon the strength to continue. I just want to throw in the towel. I never thought I'd cry about grades. I wasn't one of those obsessed bio majors (sorry guys). But I did last night. And this morning. And probably will again. It's one thing to get a not-A grade, because I've always known like maybe I could have worked harder, or not gone to that concert, or not watched that movie, or not done this or that.  But this time there is nothing to fall back on.  I did my very best. And it wasn't an A.  I have to remember that I'm much more than my grades. I beat cancer. Twice.
Sometimes I fall in the trap of comparing my current self with my pre-cancer self.  The girl who got all As. Who studied like crazy for a test. And aced the test. The girl who knew she could get in the college she wanted to if she worked hard enough. And so she worked really hard, and got into that college.  The girl who vowed to audition at that college's music school.  The girl who applied and received the scholarship she wanted. The girl who wrote on her Summer Leadership Seminar goals sheet that she wanted to a) Make the Dean's List every semester b) Be Valedictorian c) Give the commencement speech. That girl knew engineering was tough, but she was going to give it her all, and make it.
Sometimes that girl rears up in me. That girl who compares her 70 with her friend's 86, instead of being happy she was over the average. The girl who feels disappointed she missed points in the test where you had to memorize six full pages of information, instead of being grateful she got as many points as she did.  The girl who refuses to readjust her expectations.  The girl who wants to be able to both hang out with friends and study, and sacrifice the sleep. 
That girl is gone. I need to consciously remind myself to let her go. To push her away. I am a new person.  I have to remember that I can't do it on my own. Doing my best is no longer enough to get me to where I want to be in life.  I have to rely on God alone.  And it's a hard lesson to learn; I think as a human I want to do everything in my own strength, not God's. My life was miraculously spared by God, yet again.  I need to trust him enough to let him lead my life. I shouldn't seek to hold on to my past, but look forward instead.  But sometimes it is really, really, gut-wrenchingly hard. So is writing this. "

It's summer now.  June 1st to be exact.  They say hindsight is 20/20.  I got news for you-it is. I finished the semester.  I took my physics final, through my best friend a surprise graduation party, celebrated my mom's birthday (all in the same day) and jumped right into an internship at Swagelok.  It's been a busy few weeks, but I'm happy.

Surviving is tough, real tough. I think so many people think that you beat cancer, woot woot now you're life is perfect again, pick up where you left off. They don't realize that cancer leaves eternal scars. Some physical.  I still have lung troubles.  Even in this beautiful weather, I find myself coughing.  I get horrible vascular cramps all over my body.  Sometimes I can't sleep, or walk, or stand up because of the cramps. The slightest medical hiccup has my parents all worried about what could go wrong.  Some emotional. No, I'm not a psychotic wreck, but I will never, ever be the girl I once was. I hope my experiences have changed me for the better. I do have my moments of doubt though. I don't have patience for people who complain to me about what I now view as trite affairs or try to drag out the latest on the gossip vine. I'm fed up with drama. But I hope I've learned to love deeper. I hope I've learned that people are always, always, more important than anything else in life.

I hope I've grown closer to God. I think I have a bigger appreciation for my salvation.  Every day as I drive to work I am awed by the beauty God created. He could have made the sky plain blue. It isn't just blue.  It's pink and purple and orange and grey and black and so many other colors. The sun shines its rays in beautiful lines. Why would God care so much to allow so much wonder into our little world? And then I'm always reminded that he must care a great deal for our world, if he gave his only Son to save us from our sins. That takes a pretty big heart. And I know that he is beside me every day.  He gives me strength, when I ask for it. He brings blessings in my life, and has shown me favour, even though I don't deserve it. I was blessed to finish the semester.  My siblings, parents, and close friends prayed some decent grades into my GPA. Thank you for your prayers, which God graciously answered.  Sometimes I loose my focus on what God has brought me through, and end up discouraged.  But I have to remember that God is able to do exceedingly greater than I could ever imagine. He has plans to prosper me, and give me hope and a future.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God .

 
Water You turned into wineOpen the eyes of the blindThere's no one like YouNone like YouInto the darkness You shiningOut of the ashes we riseThere's no one like YouNone like You
Into the darkness you shiningOut of the ashes we RiseThere's no One like YouNone like You.
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against? And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
 
~Chris Tomlin