As If There Was Ever Any Doubt

Several weeks ago, a friend and I were going to a lecture in the evening.  Having some time to spare, and needing to meet our Fitbit step goals, we decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and walk around campus.  As we passed the Union, he reminded me I needed to buy my graduation tassel, and we went to the bookstore. After looking at prices, I decided that I was going to purchase my cap and gown and tassel, right then and there! I picked out the appropriate length gown, grabbed my orange engineering tassel, and paid for my purchases.  One celebratory Starbucks passion tea later, we left the Union to go to the car.  I turned to my friend, and said with purpose, excitement, and wonder “I’m going to graduate!”  I’ll never forget his reply- in a tone of perfect confidence and zero surprise he said, “As if there was ever any doubt, Jen.”

I thought about that- as if there was ever any doubt.  Maybe not for him, but the last 5 years have been filled with doubts for me! Doubts that I would be able strong enough physically to be able to walk and maintain myself through college.  Doubts that I would academically be able to keep up with the course load.  Engineering isn’t easy! Doubts that I would get sick again.  Doubts that anyone would ever hire me, given my medical history.  Doubts that I’d have friends, or people that would stick with me.

But God is greater than those doubts.  Last Sunday, the pastor preached on God’s faithfulness- past, present and future.  And I realized how true that was in my life.  It’s hard to see the good in things, when you’re in the midst of it, but when you reach the other side and look back, it’s beyond incredible to see what God has done.

Faithful you’ve been, and faithful you will be.  So here’s my faithfulness list.

• I walk to Polsky (our farthest building), twice a week, without coughing like I’m dying.
• I carry an 18+lb pound backpack
• I’m in my final 4 classes, and looking to pass them all.
• I am able to be involved in college, through several different groups, and being able to lead and grow them has just been incredible
• I just had my 4-years post-transplant, with no evidence of any cancer!
• I have the most incredible group of friends, who support, celebrate, and encourage me
• I got a part-time job for the semester, that I was praying and interviewing like crazy for, and suddenly fell in my lap!
• I get to go to CancerCon again this year! And sneak in a visit to Jo :)
• I received the ASME Griffith-Collins award, for mechanical engineering seniors
• I was named one of the Top 10 seniors in the Honors College
• I have an incredible future-roomie!

I. Got. A. Job. I’ll be starting at F.M. Global this June,  as a Field Consulting Engineer! Side story: this had me kinda worried.  I worked at FM this summer, and loved it.  They're a property insurance company, who use engineers to help prevent risk, rather than other companies who use actuaries to predict risk.  So the field engineers tour the clients' plants/buildings/equipment and look at the fire protection systems, earthquake/tornado/flood hazards and other safety factors and provide recommendations to keep the place safe.  My summer co-op gave me the opportunity to tour a lot of different industry in the area, and also gave me a chance to meet a lot of new people! I loved how each day looked different than the one before, and I really loved FM and the people I worked with.  My two big concerns with it were this: one, being able to last all day.  It's tough walking on a concrete floor, climbing narrow ladders to the roof, and wearing steel-toe boots all day! But I made it through a summer, and I'm trusting God will enable me to last the days of work as well.  The other major concern was my health.  There's a lot to consider if you're going to deal with me! Co-op is one thing- hourly salary, for 12 weeks is manageable.  A regular salary, plus benefits, for an indefinite amount of time is another thing.  But God once again proved that my concerns were no match for him, when I received my offer.  It brought to mind God's promise to bless me with "hope and a future", once again. 

So yeah...that's my story.  Life's still tough.  There's a lot going on right now, that is crazy, and worrisome and horrible and taxing and really stretching me. But then I have to look back on this brief list, and many other things not on this list, and remember that He is faithful!

Closing thought from Standpoint this morning:  Nehemiah 12:43-  And on that day they offered great sacrifices, rejoicing because God had given them great joy. The women and children also rejoiced. The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away.

God's given me great joy, which will be heard far and near!

Nothing is Wasted

A few summers ago, when I was working in Solon, I started attend a college-age group called Standpoint, based out of Parkside Church.  It was close to work, so I'd grab a light dinner, and head over to Dan and Olivia's house after work.  They always welcomed me with open arms, and eventually their kindness and love drew my entire family to Parkside.  

Late one night, after our Bible study, Olivia, a friend, and I were talking in the basement.  My friend and I were both busy with life, and struggling with various things- I don't remember the details.  But Olivia shared a promise of God with me- that he will restore everything that the locust has eaten/taken away.  And he won't just match it, he'll restore it overflowing, shaken-down, so much bigger and better than ever I could imagine.  She also shared that sometimes the restoration isn't immediate, but God always keeps his word.  

So many times through the last few years I've remembered that.  It's really hard to constantly deal with the new normal.  I want to compare myself to who I was, or try to do what I used to do, or enjoy what I could once do.  And it gets discouraging.  Really fast.  But I've just tried to remember those pesky little locusts- they may take everything you once held dear, but God is so much bigger and better then the locusts, and he always keeps his word! 

Through this semester, I've begun to see some of the restoration.  The biggest blessing has been catching up to my class.  I didn't think that dream would ever become reality, especially as it meant extra classes, extra semester, and a ton of extra work! But God has been faithful, and I'm all caught up! 

That being said...I've been battling a cold the last few weeks.  Whenever I get a cold, my body has a lot of difficulty just functioning.  Plus I get a really bad cough with the cold weather.  Between feeling horrible, and being super crazy busy with school right now, I've been feeling really discouraged.  On the way home from church this afternoon, I heard the song "Nothing is Wasted". I've included the words below.  I'm at school working on a huge presentation for tomorrow right now, with the song on repeat.  It's such a calming reminder that God won't waste the seemingly wasted time with cancer.  

Whatever the locusts are eating in your life right now, nothing is wasted. 

You know my every need
You see my poverty
You are enough for me, Jesus
You gave the blind man sight
You raised the dead to life
You've done the same for me, Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Your word inside of me
My strength, my everything
My hope will always be Jesus
Your breath inside my lungs
You're worthy of my trust
You will forever be Jesus

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Nothing is wasted
You work all things for good
Nothing is wasted
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

Your promise remains
Forever You reign
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

Life More Abundantly

Today is a warm and beautiful day in Akron. It's also the end of a few restful weeks.  On Monday I'll start a co-op with FM Global. I'm excited, and a little bit nervous to be in a new company.
School ended.  I'd like to say it ended well, but that's not quite true.  This semester is known as the hardest for mechanical engineering, and it certainly was.  I took five mechanical engineering classes, and one electrical class.  Funny thing is that most of the mechanical classes were 2 or 3 credits, but you still had the work of a 4 credit class.  I still did pretty well in them, considering.  Also, there's a reason you follow the syllabus schedule-some classes are not meant to be taken together! Basic EE was not fun.  It ended with a not-fun grade, which dragged my GPA way down. But oh well, I passed! This fall will begin my last year of college.  I'm so grateful that God has brought me this far.

The last few weeks between school and co-op have been fun.  I've had a break. I haven't had a break since sophomore year of high school I think! I've always been working when I'm not in school.  And on every spring break or winter break or any other break, I've always been sick.  Finally I've had a few weeks of not-sick, and nothing I have to do! I've been able to Netflix binge (for the first time ever), and sleep in almost every day! I've had a few doctor appointments as well. I've joined a small group from my college group.  It's been awesome to meet a few new faces, and to really get to know these girls better.

The biggest joy these past few weeks have been my friends.  It kinda started with graduation.  All my biology friends graduate this year, as well as a number of engineering friends who were either a year ahead of me, or completed the program in four years.  A friend had an extra ticket, that she was gracious enough to share with me, so I was able to attend the engineering graduation, and see a lot of friends afterward.  It seems unreal that that will be me in less than a year! It was such a nice time taking pictures and celebrating with them.  The freedom of no schedule has allowed me to join impromptu gatherings, like Applebee's with Noelle and Dom, or crashing with Heather after her birthday party, or making pepperoni rolls with Noelle, or West Side Market with Heather and Noelle, accompanied by an Ohio City tour, and glass blowing demo, or just hanging out with friends at the U after service, or Asian market shopping with AJ, or Mary Kay with Brittany, packing and dinner with Sara, Ronald McDonald dinners with Joan and Hanneh, or so many other things! Even just texting friends and snapchatting them has been fun.

Yesterday Noelle and I were talking about when we first met the different people in our mutual friend group.  I realized just how many people God has brought into my life. And there's a whole different group just in my major!  I'm so grateful for the boys who've taken me in, and have supported and helped me, especially through this rough semester.  Having these guys to do homework with, compare homework with, share notes, work on projects, unexpectedly see in the lab on Saturdays, get Penn Station on said Saturday, sprint to Panda Express with, steal stuff out of a friend's backpack, go to the hospital with said friend, reveal test scores together, share Pizza Fire in the basement of ASEC while studying Basic EE, crowd into an over-filled tutoring room to learn said Basic EE, so. many. memories.

The past few years I haven't had this group.  I've been on my own. I struggle through homework on my own, praying that Google would help me. I ate by myself. I didn't even go into the lab, because I didn't have a buddy to "watch my stuff". I felt so alone in my major, as I watched everyone around me chat and laugh with their little groups.  Now I have a group.  Not just one group, either.  Everyone is split into their little groups, but they've all reached out an arm to me.  It's funny, every class I sat with a different group! How many past classes I've sat all alone, listening to everyone else, just absorbing and never participating.  Now I'm included in conversations; I'm included in lunch invitations; I'm included in project groups.

I'm so grateful for this break, and for this last semester.  It was a really difficult semester, but it's over now.   I'll be entering my final year of college this fall.  It seems unreal; I never thought I would make it this far. One verse I've always quoted to my friend and myself is "Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass." from 1 Thessalonians 5:24. God has been so faithful to me this semester, and through college.  My other main verse is Jeremiah 22:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I've always believed the promises in that verse, but sometimes it seems like I'm not prospering.  Ending this semester has really given me the feeling of hope, and of a future.  I know I should believe in faith, but sometimes it is really nice to have a tangible proof that God is keeping his word! 

And to close, one of my latest favorite songs that's gotten me through a lot of tough days recently-

Diamonds-by Hawk Nelson

Here and now I'm in the fire,
In above my head
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Being held under the pressure,
Don't know what'll be left
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
But it's here in the ashes
I'm finding treasure

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in his timing
He's making diamonds out of us

I'll surrender to the power
Of being crushed by love
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Till the beauty that was hidden
Isn't covered up
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Oh it's not what I hoped for
It's something much better

Oh the joy of the lord
It will be my strength
When the pressure is on
He's making diamonds

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making us rise up from the dust
He is refining in his timing
He's making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of us

I won't be afraid to shine
I won't be afraid to shine
I won't be afraid to shine
Cause he's making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of us

Happy Easter-He Is Risen!

Most of you who have known me these last four years have read my blog posts on what a special holiday Easter is too me. This year, I had some unique experiences that showed me a different perspective on this celebration-the aspect of peace.  The second event chronologically, but first since it is easier to explain, was watching the recent movie Risen.  It's the story of a Roman military tribune, and his experiences in Jerusalem around the death of Christ, his involvement in sealing the tomb, and his search for Jesus' body and what he discovers in the end. Seeing this movie really made me realize what knowing Christ can do for a person.  rabbit trail*And it made me realize (once again) that Jesus raising from the dead was true.  I'm in engineering. I know and love science and facts.  But no matter what opposing view is presented, the clearest, most understandable explanation is that Jesus did rise from the dead. *end trail
The first event chronologically but second in my telling happened with a friend.  There was a significant crisis, and I had an active role in helping through it, so was very close to the entire situation.  But shortly after it began, I realized that there was tremendous fear in my friend's heart.  And it kinda shocked me.  I've faced the thought/chance of dying more than once, but never have I been as terrified as he was.  And I realized, that I have a peace in my heart, that the world [in general] doesn't have! I have a peace that no matter what comes my way.  That doesn't mean I don't get anxious, or worried, or even scared at times, but underneath those emotions is a trusting comfort that my God is in control of every situation.
So this Easter Sunday, do you have peace in your heart? No matter what may happen with elections, or shootings, or weather, or sickness, or anything-do you know that you have an overwhelming peace in your heart that will let you face any situation? If you have this peace, do others around you sense and see that in your daily life?
Jesus faced a really hard time in choosing to die, but he had the peace that he was in the midst of his Father's will.  One of the favorite classic hymns is "It Is Well".  My favorite memory of singing it was with my cancer support group at Parkside Church.  Every person there sang it with such conviction and happiness, yet each one there had been directly touched by cancer.  I don't know if you know the back story to that song, but the condensed version is that the author had lost a lot of investments and properties to the Great Chicago Fire.  While trying to salvage his financial affairs, he sent his wife and daughters on ahead to take their planned trip to Europe.  However, while crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank and his wife alone survived.  Later, while visiting near the sight of where his four daughters drowned, he wrote these words:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well, (it is well),

With my soul, (with my soul)

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

A song in the night, oh my soul! 

Hello, It's Me...for the first time this year

I write this from a warm home;  cheery lights brighten the kitchen that I'm sitting in.  My family is in the next room, with their small group Bible study- I just finished one homework, and needed to write my thoughts before I begin more homework.
Today has been a long day.  It's not quite over yet.  This week has been long, and it's only Wednesday! This month has been long...I'm really tired.
I haven't posted in a while.  Life has been very busy.  I'm all caught up in college-so excited about that!! But it is not easy.  I'm taking a whopping seventeen credit hours-my most to date.  Classes are very hard, and quite time consuming.  I don't seem to have a free moment to myself, and by Thursday my energy for the week is spent.  But I couldn't be happier.  I'm back with my year-and my wonderful friends (Sara, Jeff, Josh, Kyle and Ean).  I've made a new set of friends, that I think I'm going to keep :) (this means you - Joan, AJ, Ben, Matt, Ryan and Paul) among others.  The amount of homework is incredible, but when I'm sitting in the Mechanical Engineering lab, flanked by the guys I'm proud to call my friends, I couldn't wish for anything more.  So many times in the last few weeks I've stopped, mid-seemingly-impossible-problem, and thanked God for allowing me another chance at life, and for giving me the strength and ability to catch up to them, and to plod through  this semester together.
But sometimes life seems too good to be true.  I strongly believe the saying "If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true."  Sometimes I worry that all this will be taken away.  That I won't be able to complete senior year with these guys.  I remember my first semester of college, and the amazing time I had.  This semester seems even more incredible than that.  And I remember the heart-wrenching pain of having to drop out second semester.  I'm really scared that it might happen again.  Sometimes I just want to freeze time as is-freeze the happy memories as we snapchat across the classroom, or try to take each other's things, or go to a range, or get Insomnia cookies, or learn about the difference between an '85 and '86 Toyota, or really just do life together.
Last Thursday was rough.  I came of three back-to-back tests.  I do. not.do.well. in back-to-back tests.  Ever.  This time was no exception.  My body ached with the changing weather (#bonemarrowprobs), my shoulder hurt (#heavybackpack), my brain seemed to be on fire (#engineering).  And then I was scrolling on Facebook before class.  And saw a tribute to a woman I met at Cancer Con.  She had a table right next to Rainbow's, and sewed "Survival Organs." Adorable little stuffed things shaped in different tumor and cell shapes.  She had her first baby at Christmas time.  She was the very picture of vitality and happiness, and youth- and suddenly she was gone.  It stung.  The wonderful thing about Cancer Con was meeting so many incredible people.  The horrible thing is that I hurt whenever one of them is gone.
To add to it, a friend I made at the Gathering Place young adult retreat, called saying her cancer had reoccurred for a third time, taking her out of a clinical trial. I know life isn't fair, but sometimes it's really hard to accept how things can go so well for some people, and not for others.  
The minute I was finished with my first round of tests, I had today to deal with.  My first day at Survivor Clinic.  As awesome as it sounds, I was terrified.  I was supposed to be in survivor clinic last year, but instead they found the hemolytic anemia, which triggered an awful steroid regiment.  I dreaded today, and what they may find.  It's really hard for me to differentiate when I'm tired from all the schoolwork, and when there may be something else going on.
Monday night at my campus Bible study, my verse for the night was from John 13:7 "Jesus [said], "What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand." It was the best reminder, because right now there is SO much I don't understand.  I have so many questions about all the stuff that has happened/continues to happen to me.  This verse reminded me that Jesus said I won't understand right now.  I don't know when I will understand, but I can be strong in the promise that I will understand.  One of my favorite songs right now is "You Remain" by Saints.  The chorus goes "You are Undeniable.  You are God, and God you are able.  The storm will rise-So let it rise!- because we believe, that you'll remain faithful." This song has been running through my head, and in church, and on Ean's phone, for the last few days.  It has been such a comforting reminder to let the storm rise, because it gives God an opportunity to show himself faithful to me, and the others in my life.
This morning was so hard.  I had two classes, which was a good distraction, but after that I had about 30 minutes to kill before I had to go to Cleveland; blessings on the friend who allowed me to hang on their sleeve the whole time. I didn't want to go.  It took everything I had just to walk down the long hall in ASEC to leave my friends and go to my car.  I literally dragged my feet, as I didn't want to face the unknown.  And God reminded me to let the storm, if any, rise, because He is faithful.  And with that confidence, I was able to go to Cleveland.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I wrote this eleven days ago.  I wanted to find out test results before I posted it, and haven't had a chance yet to do so.  I found out all my tests came back almost normal and I'm thanking God for that.

I'm Going to Denver!

I think the title says it all.  Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed and inquired about my trip.  Friday my counts were 9.8 (I needed a 10 to be able to go), so my doctor said I could go to Denver and CancerCon! This morning my counts were 10.4, so slowly climbing up!

I leave tomorrow evening, and will return on Sunday. I intend to post pictures on here and on social media from my trip!
A few things I would greatly appreciate prayers for...

• That I'd stay healthy in Denver
• My cough would completely go away
• The steroids side-effects would diminish (I've especially been in a lot of pain)
• My sugars would be OK with the travel and changes
• I'd be OK with the higher altitude

One quick thing...on Wednesday night I had intended to attend the U college service.  I was also spending time with my friend on spring break, and it got really late, and I almost didn't go, because I was really tired. I had written my previous post that afternoon, so it was a rough day.  However, I decided to attend the service, as I would still get to hear the preaching.  I walked in to hear Pastor Josh say that God only gives good in our lives. I'd never heard it put so bluntly, and it took me several minutes to fully comprehend the impact of that. The last few weeks as so many medical and acadmeic things have come crashing down all around me it seemed like God could stop allowing so much bad in my life, and hearing that topic just so encouraged my heart. He went on to say how God isn't bothered with my asking for things, and it isn't selfish to pray that I get stuff.  His closing challenge was to ask God for three things, a big, medium, and small for that week.  I was challenged to ask for three things, but all big (to me!).   

1. That I could go to Denver.
2. That my counts would be high enough.
3. That a really bad cough I had, which also could have prevented my trip, would clear up.

By Friday, all three prayers and "big things" were answered!

And to close, a very special verse to me.  I've always read vs 11, and claimed it for myself, but today vs 12 also jumped out at me.  That I can call on God, and pray to Him, and He will listen to me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

Now the only thing that separates me from my trip...a huge thermodynamics exam tonight!

An Update and Thoughts

Ahhh....so much has happened in these last few weeks, and I feel like I could write forever and ever! To start with, I know many of you have reached out with kind comments regarding some of my Instagram pics (thank you!), but I know I need to get a proper explanation out to everyone! So to start this story...

*Disclaimer! I wrote this over two days. Some of it right after I got back from the hospital Tuesday, the rest on Wednesday. So please pardon the discontinuities. I feel like once I write something, I can’t go back and make changes (other than grammatical/spelling), so this is the raw stuff, out there for you to read!*

During my spring break, I had my 2-year cancer scans. They all came back clean with no cancer! Thank you Jesus! This was a huge relief to hear. Some other things about the scans though...

·         There was a spot on my liver that had increased in size since the last scans. I had an MRI done last Friday, and as of right now, it is believed to be nothing serious, just growth due to hormone therapy I was on for a lot of last year. I will be following up with GI for this in a few weeks.

·         In addition, I have had a lot of coughing/gagging reflex since this fall, which at first we thought was related to the weather. It does not appear to be related to the weather, however, but possibly an allergy of some sort that coats itself to the esophagus, and so causes that reflex. I will be getting an endoscopy for that, probably after school is over.

The biggest new thing, however, is diagnosis of an autoimmune hemolytic anemia. This is an anemia where the red cells die much faster than they are supposed to. Thankfully, my bone marrow is working overtime to make new cells, but this isn't a sustainable model. I had been feeling very tired and somewhat breathless, as well as had some other enzyme numbers kinda wacky, so everything kinda wraps up into a neat little bundle with this diagnosis. This is a more long-term condition, and I started treatment for it last Friday. The good news is that today's blood test showed that the treatment is working. The bad news is, however, that the treatment is high dose steroids, just a little bit less than what I was taking during active cancer treatments. With the steroids comes the many side effects...some of which are creepy-crawly sensation, hot flashes, loss of concentration, mood swings, headaches, extreme and constant hunger which have all manifested themselves so far. Long-term I am expecting numerous skin troubles, stretch marks, bloating, "snowman" look, and weight gain among other things.

A rather trivial matter, that for me is kinda big, is the weight-gain side effects from steroid. I finally was starting to feel like I was in an OK spot looks/weight wise, and had just started feeling good about myself. I know that the inside appearance is so much more important than the outside, but it still is so hard; the other factor is that this is a long-term treatment, so the end picture is looking bigger…

The biggest overall thing for me about the steroids is that they elevate blood sugars. This would be ok if I was starting at a normal range, but this time I am starting with some pretty high sugars. Currently my sugars are running about 4-5 times what a normal level will be. I am on a long-acting insulin that I shoot every night, and have started shooting insulin before every meal. Hopefully, I will be able to get an insulin pump in the next few weeks.

School has gotten increasingly difficult as well. The anemia symptoms (which I wasn't aware off) definitely affected my second round of tests. Now the steroid treatments looks like it will affect my third round of tests and finals. The steroid concentration issues have really affected me. I can manage to stay engaged 30/50 minutes of most class periods, and then I'm unable to focus! Thankfully, I have some really great professors who are helping me out with these issues!

Some things that I'd really appreciate your prayers...

·         The treatments would continue to work

·         Reduced side-effects from the steroids

·         Ability to finish this semester strong

·         Persistent cough to resolve

·         Sugar numbers to come down

·         Speedy delivery of a pump. A pump will make life so much easier, but it can take on average of 4-6 weeks to get one!

·         Mental strength through get through the treatments and keep checking sugars.

·         A strong finish to a really tough semester.

·         Ability to do well and concentrate on the last round of tests, and final exams the first week of May.

Also on these lines, I had received a scholarship to attend CancerCon, a young adult cancer conference in Denver, which is next weekend. The price of the trip was more than I could afford, but there were a few scholarships offered for it. Also, it is the weekend before the last week of classes-not exactly the ideal traveling time! I applied for some of the scholarships, and asked God if he wanted me to go, that he would bless me with one. I received the scholarship, which covers all expenses, and was beyond thrilled to be going to Denver. However, when speaking with my oncologist and nurse regarding the trip, they were very doubtful if I could go. Given the higher-altitude in Denver, my blood-oxygen levels are not high enough to be there. In addition, I have had a pretty bad persistent cough that is another concerning factor. I would greatly appreciate your prayers that I could go on this trip, if God wills. If my levels continue the current rate at which they are rising, it will reach the necessary threshold of a 10.0 next Wednesday, the day I'm scheduled to leave for Denver.

Well that wraps up the concrete, medical, and practical aspects. Now for the touchy-feely bit…

This unexpected maybe-turn-of-events kinda shook me up. I thought God definitely wanted me to go to Denver since he provided me the money; and then now it looks so uncertain...I was like God, I'd have been fine if you hadn't given me the scholarship because it would have been a definite “No” then. I felt so confused and hurt that God would let me have this incredible and amazing dream trip, and then seemingly/maybe take it away in an instant. As always, God brought a song on the radio to encourage my heart. It was a song that I first heard my first semester of college. I remember the night I heard it. I had gone to see my best friend at ultimate Frisbee practice. Almost everybody I knew or was friends with was on the ultimate Frisbee teams. I wanted to join them so badly. Some evenings we would just casually toss around the Frisbee on the grass behind Honors, and I had pretty decent throwing and catching skills. But I couldn't run. or dive. or jump. I had enough trouble walking, much less playing Frisbee! I wanted to play so badly. To find a club where I could belong. To join people I knew. And then that night I heard "Hold on to the Promises," by Sanctus Real So many encouraging words. When what I wanted so badly I knew wouldn't happen, I knew I was blessed to be alive. I listened to that song so many times through relapse. My sister made a poster that I had in my hospital room, which said "Hold on to the Promises. Jesus is Alive!"

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

And all things work for the good of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even His own son
His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So, if you feel weak

Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us

And then the same song came on the radio as I drove from Cleveland yesterday. And the words again comforted my heart. It is hard to believe that everything that is happening to me is happening for God's reason. I couldn't find the words to speak to God, but like this song says, His Word was my strength. Jesus is Alive! How many religions can say that their founder, teacher, leader and God is ALIVE!

A new line jumped out of this song for me-"He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even his own Son. His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending. Oh, if God is for us who can be against us!" God will heal me! I don't know if it will be an earthly healing, but I do know that I can remain confident in an eternal healing! Everything will work for good. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning into an ever-increasing frenzy of "bad things". I just want to be, like God, I've had more than my share of stuff. Sometimes I feel almost abandoned by God. What did I do to deserve all this pain? Why can't even the simple joy of a short trip be dangling ever farther from me?

And then this song. His love is everlasting. His faithfulness unending. The years that the locust of cancer and sickness has eaten away from my life ALL will be restored to me, as only God can. Neither life nor death can separate me from God's vast and immeasurable love. I don't have the words to pray to Him. But I know the words He has for me. Words of hope and a future. I feel so weak, physically, mentally, academically, emotionally. But all I have to do is hold on to the promises.

Last night at The U, Pastor Josh spoke about how we are a message of God's love. A brief paraphrase from 1 Thessoalonians 1-"It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special...you were able to take great joy from the Holy Spirit! - taking the trouble with the joy, the joy with the trouble...The news of your faith in God is out.". That is my prayer. That the news of my faith will go out. God has put his hand on me for something special. I don't know what. I struggle, just like you do. But I have a Holy Spirit which can and is providing me joy. Joy through sibling-like-friends. Joy through mother-like nurses. Joy through caring and compassionate doctors. Joy through the fellowship of other Christians. Joy unspeakable, such as only God can bring or give. I'm holding on to the promise that the Joy of the Lord is my stregnth.

Holding on to the promises doesn't require strength, and God knows I don't have much stregnth to spare. Words from another Sanctus Real song "Pray" seemed to fit my situation exactly.

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray

What a comfort. So often I've heard that just ask God for anything you want, as He is a father, and loves me his daughter. But these past few days, I have no words. I have nothing. My heart just feels so full and tired and weary and discouraged and hurt. But I know God is here. And was there yesterday. And will be there for me tomorrow. And is there for you, no matter you’re hurt, or heartache, or body ache, or life situation. Hold on to the promises of God.

And to end, I use the closing words of Madeline. "That's all there is, there isn't any more."

At the new Rainbow Onocology Ward, the day I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia

 

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! It is so incredible to think that this is the 4th Easter since I've been diagnosed! The first was spent alone at home, the second was spent in the hospital, the third was spent at one church, and this one at another!
It has been a long weekend, but a good one.  I was able to attend my first Good Friday service! Easter is a celebration, but it wouldn't be possible without Christ's death on the cross, which we commemorate on Good Friday.  Again, this year, I was reminded that Christ endured so much pain for me, and all mankind, so he knows exactly what I'm going through, even when I feel like other people don't!

One special song to me at the Good Friday service was "Jesus, Thank You."

The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
And a few pictures of Easter through the last few years!

Happy Easter!

Rainbow Nurses Make the Difference!

Hello Friends!
I know it's been quite a while since I posted ! Thank you to the many of you who continue to pray for me. I'm back in college, and am quite busy with classes.

I wanted to share a video that was done by Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital, where I was treated, based on my earlier blog post about nurses. Hope you enjoy viewing this!!

National Cancer Survivor Day Musings

Today is National Cancer Survivor's Day. I thought I'd post an update, but when I went to my drafts I found this in there.  I wrote it about three weeks ago.  The hurt I felt then is gone now, but re-reading it brought a rush of memories of how I felt. Discouraged. Defeated. Just Down. While I realize that I have so much to be thankful for, I'm human, and don't always remember to "Give thanks without ceasing." My hope in including it is that perhaps it will give you a little better understanding into the life of Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) survivors. 

"This week is finals week.  I had a Calculus II final at 7AM Monday morning, a paper due Tuesday at noon, and then a Physics final coming up on Friday morning. 
I just got a grade back in Calculus...I went into the final with an A, but came out with a B.  Somehow that has really just got me discouraged.  It's really hard being a cancer survivor in college. Sometimes I don't know where to summon the strength to continue. I just want to throw in the towel. I never thought I'd cry about grades. I wasn't one of those obsessed bio majors (sorry guys). But I did last night. And this morning. And probably will again. It's one thing to get a not-A grade, because I've always known like maybe I could have worked harder, or not gone to that concert, or not watched that movie, or not done this or that.  But this time there is nothing to fall back on.  I did my very best. And it wasn't an A.  I have to remember that I'm much more than my grades. I beat cancer. Twice.
Sometimes I fall in the trap of comparing my current self with my pre-cancer self.  The girl who got all As. Who studied like crazy for a test. And aced the test. The girl who knew she could get in the college she wanted to if she worked hard enough. And so she worked really hard, and got into that college.  The girl who vowed to audition at that college's music school.  The girl who applied and received the scholarship she wanted. The girl who wrote on her Summer Leadership Seminar goals sheet that she wanted to a) Make the Dean's List every semester b) Be Valedictorian c) Give the commencement speech. That girl knew engineering was tough, but she was going to give it her all, and make it.
Sometimes that girl rears up in me. That girl who compares her 70 with her friend's 86, instead of being happy she was over the average. The girl who feels disappointed she missed points in the test where you had to memorize six full pages of information, instead of being grateful she got as many points as she did.  The girl who refuses to readjust her expectations.  The girl who wants to be able to both hang out with friends and study, and sacrifice the sleep. 
That girl is gone. I need to consciously remind myself to let her go. To push her away. I am a new person.  I have to remember that I can't do it on my own. Doing my best is no longer enough to get me to where I want to be in life.  I have to rely on God alone.  And it's a hard lesson to learn; I think as a human I want to do everything in my own strength, not God's. My life was miraculously spared by God, yet again.  I need to trust him enough to let him lead my life. I shouldn't seek to hold on to my past, but look forward instead.  But sometimes it is really, really, gut-wrenchingly hard. So is writing this. "

It's summer now.  June 1st to be exact.  They say hindsight is 20/20.  I got news for you-it is. I finished the semester.  I took my physics final, through my best friend a surprise graduation party, celebrated my mom's birthday (all in the same day) and jumped right into an internship at Swagelok.  It's been a busy few weeks, but I'm happy.

Surviving is tough, real tough. I think so many people think that you beat cancer, woot woot now you're life is perfect again, pick up where you left off. They don't realize that cancer leaves eternal scars. Some physical.  I still have lung troubles.  Even in this beautiful weather, I find myself coughing.  I get horrible vascular cramps all over my body.  Sometimes I can't sleep, or walk, or stand up because of the cramps. The slightest medical hiccup has my parents all worried about what could go wrong.  Some emotional. No, I'm not a psychotic wreck, but I will never, ever be the girl I once was. I hope my experiences have changed me for the better. I do have my moments of doubt though. I don't have patience for people who complain to me about what I now view as trite affairs or try to drag out the latest on the gossip vine. I'm fed up with drama. But I hope I've learned to love deeper. I hope I've learned that people are always, always, more important than anything else in life.

I hope I've grown closer to God. I think I have a bigger appreciation for my salvation.  Every day as I drive to work I am awed by the beauty God created. He could have made the sky plain blue. It isn't just blue.  It's pink and purple and orange and grey and black and so many other colors. The sun shines its rays in beautiful lines. Why would God care so much to allow so much wonder into our little world? And then I'm always reminded that he must care a great deal for our world, if he gave his only Son to save us from our sins. That takes a pretty big heart. And I know that he is beside me every day.  He gives me strength, when I ask for it. He brings blessings in my life, and has shown me favour, even though I don't deserve it. I was blessed to finish the semester.  My siblings, parents, and close friends prayed some decent grades into my GPA. Thank you for your prayers, which God graciously answered.  Sometimes I loose my focus on what God has brought me through, and end up discouraged.  But I have to remember that God is able to do exceedingly greater than I could ever imagine. He has plans to prosper me, and give me hope and a future.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God .

 
Water You turned into wineOpen the eyes of the blindThere's no one like YouNone like YouInto the darkness You shiningOut of the ashes we riseThere's no one like YouNone like You
Into the darkness you shiningOut of the ashes we RiseThere's no One like YouNone like You.
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against? And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
 
~Chris Tomlin

Happy Easter (1Week Late...)

I hope all my wonderful readers had a very blessed Easter! I was quite busy around Easter, and didn't have a chance to post, and wanted to make a bit longer post, so I thought I'd wait a week!
This is the first Easter in the last two years that I haven't been on treatment, which is a huge blessing! This Easter I was filled with so much awe and gratitude for where God has brought me in this year.  Just recollecting a year ago...I was blessed to receive beautiful Easter baskets from the oncology ward, and feel the wonderful love of so many medical professionals.  I was in the midst of my BMT, and pretty sick! A year later, I'm at the tail ending of completing my third semester of college and nearing my 1 year scans! All day, I was just filled with so many thoughts of where I had been a year ago, and how much God had blessed me to allow me my life and to be with my family.

For those of you who don't know the true meaning of Easter, I can assure you it has nothing to do with bunnies and eggs! While bunnies and eggs give us some fun things to enjoy on this special holiday, there is so much more to the Easter story. 
Easter would not be possible without Good Friday, the day we remember Jesus Christ's death on the cross.  An innocent man, he was falsely accused and sentenced to death, to bear the punishment for our sins.  While many may wonder why is Jesus is God he didn't save himself, the Bible states that he choose to die for us.  How special to know that someone loved me and you enough to take away the punishment we so justly deserve! If Jesus had stayed dead, that would put him on the same platform as Buddha or Mohammed or St. Peter, or any one else.  Easter is the celebration of his coming to life again, which makes him God.  Without his resurrection, we wouldn't have a living savior to serve.

This Easter I was able to more appreciate his resurrection, than last Easter when I was focused more on his sufferings.  I'm so grateful to have had an absolutely beautiful day to spend with dear friends and my family!

BMT Birthday-my side!

So I'm sure most of you already saw my BMT Birthday post (as made by my siblings)! But that wasn't all my incredible family did to make the day special...
It really started Monday night, with Rachel helping me pick and coordinate a special outfit to wear.  And she also did a lot of other things, but I didn't know that yet!

8:45AM- Studying physics with my friend, when in the middle of a problem...
Ean: Hey, happy 1yr anniversary of your BMT
Jen:What??! *mind wondering how he knew-did I tell him, my blog, etc*not talking, just thinking
Ean: It is today, right?
So my lovely sister borrowed my phone and texted him to tell me...

2:05PM-In my car, checking my phone after my class
Mom(text): Where r u?
Mom(missed call)
Jen(calling Mom back): Hey (and other niceties)
Mom: Where are you?
Jen: Just finished up at Olin, coming to Honors.  Where are you?
Mom(evading question): Oh, okay.  Have a wonderful day, I love you (other mom niceties).
Jen(to self): I think they're at Honors. 

And so they were! With a HUGE platter of cookies, and a beautiful hand-decorated bunch of balloons! Their fool-proof surprise plan was coordinated with Sharon...who just happened to be in Cincinatti that day.  So I hadn't told her my schedule changes; so she told my fam where I should have been; I was not there; they called Sharon; she didn't answer (or know); they had to call me.  All's well that ends well. 
It was lovely to enjoy a little bit of a beautiful day with my family! I can't wait for Spring Break, when I can be with them 24/7!

2:15PM-Had cookies, met Craig, Dr. Mugler, Heather...walking to my next class
Mom: Did you see your blog?
Rachel: You shouldn't tell her! It's a surprise!

5:15PM-Finally at a computer-agenda:check blog! Surprised!!!!
Jen(showing Craig):Look what my family did!
Craig: You have the greatest family!

I think that sums it all...I do have the most wonderful, fun-loving, crazy, talented, and fantastic family in the world.  And there's no other place I would rather be than with them.  Love you all!!

And...a huge "Thank You" to all my wonderful friends who have wished me a happy 1yr BMT, either through texts or in person! I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people to support and stand by me through thick and thin!
P.S. More pictures to be added, so check back soon!

With my family on campus!

Ronald McDonald House Dinner 2.0

Well we did it again-another dinner at RMH! They recently expanded all their facilities, to an astounding 55 rooms; because of the holidays, however, a number of families had gone home.  Still, there were a number of our old friends there, as well as new friends to be made! Making dinner is such a wonderful way to pay forward the blessing it was to us, and we were so privileged to be able to do it!

Our group included Brian and Brad, from our summer intern group who had done dinner in July, and friends new to RMH -Sharon, Craig and Noelle. 

Dad and Mom made chicken curry and vegetable rice, respectively, and raita (yogurt salad) and naan for the dinner, which was a huge hit! There is a large number of Middle Eastern people staying there, so they really appreciate the tastes that hit a little closer to their home foods.  But a number of Americans also enjoyed sampling the ethnic tastes!

After our dinner, Rachel had organized a craft time, with rubber stamping and New Year's masks for all the children (and adults) to decorate. 

A huge Thank You to all my friends and my family who helped make this dinner and craft time!

Our Entire Group!



L: Brian and Daniel making brownies...they made four pans, and with Ruth, David and John,
decorated them in hot pink frosting.  The brownies were a huge hit!
R: Noelle; probably the only time all night she was simply standing! She solidly helped where needed (peeling 30lbs potatoes, warming the veggies, slicing the meat) and arranged all the food in the proper places for dinner! 

Busy Sharon...Happy Sharon!
Among other things, Sharon carved up three chickens so perfectly, we took pictures of it!

 

Craig testing if the potatoes are done-he cooked 30lbs of mashed potatoes!
Craig, me, Sharon, Noelle

Aside from making gravy, Brad brought his guitar to provide some live music.  It was a hit with everyone! From the little girls, who taught him new songs like "Twinkle, Twinkle" and "Jesus Loves Me" to this gentleman, who tried his hand at playing some tunes!

One of the best parts of RMH is making new friends!
L: Jen with Maria and Eva Rose, the cutest little girls ever! Their sister, Emily, just had a heart transplant!!
TopR: Brian and Joseph!
Bottom R: Nadine and Rachel! Nadine and her sister Noha are from Cairo, Egypt

Craft  Time!
 

More Crafts!



Sharon and Craig with their new (masked) identities

Brown's Love

In October, we received tickets to a Cleveland Brown's game, courtesy of the Ronald McDonald House in Cleveland.  They received tickets from then Cleveland Browns player Trent Richardson.  His only stipulation was that the family that received the tickets be touched by cancer; his generosity included food and parking vouchers!   We were so blessed that the Ronald McDonald House offered us the tickets!
We all had a blast at our first football game.  We were able to go with Vijimama, who explained the game to us.  We had fun cheering, eating, and just hanging out together.  Not to mention the BROWNS WON! (not that we stayed to se :))

Thank you so much, for your generosity in giving my family a night we won't forget!!

More fun stuff from the PICU!

Here are just a few other moments in the PICU...but this first picture is in oncology.  For those of you who have entered the oncology ward, there are colored handprints all along the walls.  Those are the handprints of those who have completed their journey, and are done as they leave the ward.  I really looked forward to putting my handprint up there one day, but because I was discharged from Seidman Cancer Center, I never got the opportunity.  After my PICU stay and my one night in oncology, I signed my print as a signal that my cancer journey is over! Mine is the bright purple one directly above my head!! 

With Lisa in PICU

Poster (by Rachel) and a birthday card from coworkers

With April! 

Birthday Blessings

This post has being sitting in drafts for a long time...

I celebrated my 19th birthday on August 12th, followed by my port- removal surgery on the 13th, followed by my ICU admit on the 14th! Thank you to all that made my birthday such a special day!

With Melinda and Danielle, who started my day with beautiful balloons and cupcakes!! Thank you!!

Finishing the day with Miss Kathleen who brought more cupcakes! 

Joseph is so proud that he is now officially taller than me...

My siblings went all out and bought a bunch of party gear...