I'm Going to Denver!

I think the title says it all.  Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed and inquired about my trip.  Friday my counts were 9.8 (I needed a 10 to be able to go), so my doctor said I could go to Denver and CancerCon! This morning my counts were 10.4, so slowly climbing up!

I leave tomorrow evening, and will return on Sunday. I intend to post pictures on here and on social media from my trip!
A few things I would greatly appreciate prayers for...

• That I'd stay healthy in Denver
• My cough would completely go away
• The steroids side-effects would diminish (I've especially been in a lot of pain)
• My sugars would be OK with the travel and changes
• I'd be OK with the higher altitude

One quick thing...on Wednesday night I had intended to attend the U college service.  I was also spending time with my friend on spring break, and it got really late, and I almost didn't go, because I was really tired. I had written my previous post that afternoon, so it was a rough day.  However, I decided to attend the service, as I would still get to hear the preaching.  I walked in to hear Pastor Josh say that God only gives good in our lives. I'd never heard it put so bluntly, and it took me several minutes to fully comprehend the impact of that. The last few weeks as so many medical and acadmeic things have come crashing down all around me it seemed like God could stop allowing so much bad in my life, and hearing that topic just so encouraged my heart. He went on to say how God isn't bothered with my asking for things, and it isn't selfish to pray that I get stuff.  His closing challenge was to ask God for three things, a big, medium, and small for that week.  I was challenged to ask for three things, but all big (to me!).   

1. That I could go to Denver.
2. That my counts would be high enough.
3. That a really bad cough I had, which also could have prevented my trip, would clear up.

By Friday, all three prayers and "big things" were answered!

And to close, a very special verse to me.  I've always read vs 11, and claimed it for myself, but today vs 12 also jumped out at me.  That I can call on God, and pray to Him, and He will listen to me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

Now the only thing that separates me from my trip...a huge thermodynamics exam tonight!

An Update and Thoughts

Ahhh....so much has happened in these last few weeks, and I feel like I could write forever and ever! To start with, I know many of you have reached out with kind comments regarding some of my Instagram pics (thank you!), but I know I need to get a proper explanation out to everyone! So to start this story...

*Disclaimer! I wrote this over two days. Some of it right after I got back from the hospital Tuesday, the rest on Wednesday. So please pardon the discontinuities. I feel like once I write something, I can’t go back and make changes (other than grammatical/spelling), so this is the raw stuff, out there for you to read!*

During my spring break, I had my 2-year cancer scans. They all came back clean with no cancer! Thank you Jesus! This was a huge relief to hear. Some other things about the scans though...

·         There was a spot on my liver that had increased in size since the last scans. I had an MRI done last Friday, and as of right now, it is believed to be nothing serious, just growth due to hormone therapy I was on for a lot of last year. I will be following up with GI for this in a few weeks.

·         In addition, I have had a lot of coughing/gagging reflex since this fall, which at first we thought was related to the weather. It does not appear to be related to the weather, however, but possibly an allergy of some sort that coats itself to the esophagus, and so causes that reflex. I will be getting an endoscopy for that, probably after school is over.

The biggest new thing, however, is diagnosis of an autoimmune hemolytic anemia. This is an anemia where the red cells die much faster than they are supposed to. Thankfully, my bone marrow is working overtime to make new cells, but this isn't a sustainable model. I had been feeling very tired and somewhat breathless, as well as had some other enzyme numbers kinda wacky, so everything kinda wraps up into a neat little bundle with this diagnosis. This is a more long-term condition, and I started treatment for it last Friday. The good news is that today's blood test showed that the treatment is working. The bad news is, however, that the treatment is high dose steroids, just a little bit less than what I was taking during active cancer treatments. With the steroids comes the many side effects...some of which are creepy-crawly sensation, hot flashes, loss of concentration, mood swings, headaches, extreme and constant hunger which have all manifested themselves so far. Long-term I am expecting numerous skin troubles, stretch marks, bloating, "snowman" look, and weight gain among other things.

A rather trivial matter, that for me is kinda big, is the weight-gain side effects from steroid. I finally was starting to feel like I was in an OK spot looks/weight wise, and had just started feeling good about myself. I know that the inside appearance is so much more important than the outside, but it still is so hard; the other factor is that this is a long-term treatment, so the end picture is looking bigger…

The biggest overall thing for me about the steroids is that they elevate blood sugars. This would be ok if I was starting at a normal range, but this time I am starting with some pretty high sugars. Currently my sugars are running about 4-5 times what a normal level will be. I am on a long-acting insulin that I shoot every night, and have started shooting insulin before every meal. Hopefully, I will be able to get an insulin pump in the next few weeks.

School has gotten increasingly difficult as well. The anemia symptoms (which I wasn't aware off) definitely affected my second round of tests. Now the steroid treatments looks like it will affect my third round of tests and finals. The steroid concentration issues have really affected me. I can manage to stay engaged 30/50 minutes of most class periods, and then I'm unable to focus! Thankfully, I have some really great professors who are helping me out with these issues!

Some things that I'd really appreciate your prayers...

·         The treatments would continue to work

·         Reduced side-effects from the steroids

·         Ability to finish this semester strong

·         Persistent cough to resolve

·         Sugar numbers to come down

·         Speedy delivery of a pump. A pump will make life so much easier, but it can take on average of 4-6 weeks to get one!

·         Mental strength through get through the treatments and keep checking sugars.

·         A strong finish to a really tough semester.

·         Ability to do well and concentrate on the last round of tests, and final exams the first week of May.

Also on these lines, I had received a scholarship to attend CancerCon, a young adult cancer conference in Denver, which is next weekend. The price of the trip was more than I could afford, but there were a few scholarships offered for it. Also, it is the weekend before the last week of classes-not exactly the ideal traveling time! I applied for some of the scholarships, and asked God if he wanted me to go, that he would bless me with one. I received the scholarship, which covers all expenses, and was beyond thrilled to be going to Denver. However, when speaking with my oncologist and nurse regarding the trip, they were very doubtful if I could go. Given the higher-altitude in Denver, my blood-oxygen levels are not high enough to be there. In addition, I have had a pretty bad persistent cough that is another concerning factor. I would greatly appreciate your prayers that I could go on this trip, if God wills. If my levels continue the current rate at which they are rising, it will reach the necessary threshold of a 10.0 next Wednesday, the day I'm scheduled to leave for Denver.

Well that wraps up the concrete, medical, and practical aspects. Now for the touchy-feely bit…

This unexpected maybe-turn-of-events kinda shook me up. I thought God definitely wanted me to go to Denver since he provided me the money; and then now it looks so uncertain...I was like God, I'd have been fine if you hadn't given me the scholarship because it would have been a definite “No” then. I felt so confused and hurt that God would let me have this incredible and amazing dream trip, and then seemingly/maybe take it away in an instant. As always, God brought a song on the radio to encourage my heart. It was a song that I first heard my first semester of college. I remember the night I heard it. I had gone to see my best friend at ultimate Frisbee practice. Almost everybody I knew or was friends with was on the ultimate Frisbee teams. I wanted to join them so badly. Some evenings we would just casually toss around the Frisbee on the grass behind Honors, and I had pretty decent throwing and catching skills. But I couldn't run. or dive. or jump. I had enough trouble walking, much less playing Frisbee! I wanted to play so badly. To find a club where I could belong. To join people I knew. And then that night I heard "Hold on to the Promises," by Sanctus Real So many encouraging words. When what I wanted so badly I knew wouldn't happen, I knew I was blessed to be alive. I listened to that song so many times through relapse. My sister made a poster that I had in my hospital room, which said "Hold on to the Promises. Jesus is Alive!"

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

And all things work for the good of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even His own son
His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So, if you feel weak

Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us

And then the same song came on the radio as I drove from Cleveland yesterday. And the words again comforted my heart. It is hard to believe that everything that is happening to me is happening for God's reason. I couldn't find the words to speak to God, but like this song says, His Word was my strength. Jesus is Alive! How many religions can say that their founder, teacher, leader and God is ALIVE!

A new line jumped out of this song for me-"He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even his own Son. His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending. Oh, if God is for us who can be against us!" God will heal me! I don't know if it will be an earthly healing, but I do know that I can remain confident in an eternal healing! Everything will work for good. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning into an ever-increasing frenzy of "bad things". I just want to be, like God, I've had more than my share of stuff. Sometimes I feel almost abandoned by God. What did I do to deserve all this pain? Why can't even the simple joy of a short trip be dangling ever farther from me?

And then this song. His love is everlasting. His faithfulness unending. The years that the locust of cancer and sickness has eaten away from my life ALL will be restored to me, as only God can. Neither life nor death can separate me from God's vast and immeasurable love. I don't have the words to pray to Him. But I know the words He has for me. Words of hope and a future. I feel so weak, physically, mentally, academically, emotionally. But all I have to do is hold on to the promises.

Last night at The U, Pastor Josh spoke about how we are a message of God's love. A brief paraphrase from 1 Thessoalonians 1-"It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special...you were able to take great joy from the Holy Spirit! - taking the trouble with the joy, the joy with the trouble...The news of your faith in God is out.". That is my prayer. That the news of my faith will go out. God has put his hand on me for something special. I don't know what. I struggle, just like you do. But I have a Holy Spirit which can and is providing me joy. Joy through sibling-like-friends. Joy through mother-like nurses. Joy through caring and compassionate doctors. Joy through the fellowship of other Christians. Joy unspeakable, such as only God can bring or give. I'm holding on to the promise that the Joy of the Lord is my stregnth.

Holding on to the promises doesn't require strength, and God knows I don't have much stregnth to spare. Words from another Sanctus Real song "Pray" seemed to fit my situation exactly.

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray

What a comfort. So often I've heard that just ask God for anything you want, as He is a father, and loves me his daughter. But these past few days, I have no words. I have nothing. My heart just feels so full and tired and weary and discouraged and hurt. But I know God is here. And was there yesterday. And will be there for me tomorrow. And is there for you, no matter you’re hurt, or heartache, or body ache, or life situation. Hold on to the promises of God.

And to end, I use the closing words of Madeline. "That's all there is, there isn't any more."

At the new Rainbow Onocology Ward, the day I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia

 

The Best is Yet to Come!

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted; Thank you to the many people who pray and encourage me, and I know I owe you an update. Also, this is like the fourth time I've come to edit this post, so I guess it’s time to just post it. So here it is.

Physical

As far as the cancer goes, I am now approaching 2-years since my BMT (March 18th, 2013)! While I'm so grateful to be cancer free, there are many other issues that I'm currently dealing with. This summer my sugars, which tended to be high when I was on steroids, suddenly skyrocketed. I'm currently on insulin and medication to hopefully bring those numbers down. Also, I've been having some breathing troubles, which are definitely NOT helped by the record setting cold temperatures here in Cleveland as of late. The breathing issues definitely make me much more tired, which just makes school harder.

In February, I was in the hospital for 2 days, due to numbness in my hand; the doctors originally were worried about it being a seizure or stroke, but thankfully it was probably just a pinched nerve. About a week later, I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. The current thought is that it is liver/gallbladder issues, post-chemo.

Upcoming appointments during my spring break:

• 2-yr post-cancer scans!
• 3rd round of vaccines
• GI doctors, for liver/gallbladder issues
• Endocrine for sugars

Academic

In school I'm currently starting my 5th of 10 semesters, so nearly half-way through! This has been my hardest class load ever, as I'm hitting the hard core engineering classes. Sometimes it gets discouraging to not see my grades as high as I'd like them, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. This past fall semester was extremely tough, but this spring has been going much better! I'm excited for the friends I've made in classes. Please pray that I'll be able to get good grades this semester.  I'll also be taking classes this summer, and fall, as well as spring 2016, going for a total of 5 semesters back-to-back, so I'd greatly appreciate your prayers.

Other stuff...
Written on a rough day early this semester. Thought I'd just include it.
In other words...
2014 was a really tough year. Sometimes I thought it tougher than fighting cancer. With cancer, there was a definite, attainable goal in sight: beat it. I knew what I had to do, each day, every day. People were there for me. I felt supported and strong, and knew what I had to do.

This past year was really, really different. I had a fantastic spring semester. And then I started my 2nd summer internship with Swagelok; again, another great time. But through the summer different health issues came up. I thought that I was done with cancer. Great! I'm done with all treatments and medications! Not true. My sugars started acting up, my skin was scarily dry, my stomach started being weird. So many different things that were stark reminders that I wasn't the healthy person I thought I was.

The fall semester was incredibly tough. It was a difficult course load, but also done without my awesome friends. It was rough not knowing ANYONE in the class. I didn't really have the confidence I used to have to make friends. All the kids were there in their freshman cliques, and I didn't fit in. One girl even went so far as to ask me "aren't you older than the rest of us?” It hurt to see other kids making friends with random people, exchanging phone numbers, forming study groups, while I was all alone.
Continuing on to finish the story from earlier...I wasn't looking forward to 2015. The last year that I made a concrete set of New Year's resolutions, and was fully committed to fulfilling each one, was in 2012. I was initially diagnosed 10 days later. Again in 2013, I had my 2nd diagnosis to look forward to. In 2014, I was super sick all of Christmas break, so just being able to go to school was accomplishment enough. This year, I was just too discouraged to even think about making resolutions or setting any goals for myself.

In January, on my 3-yr diagnosis anniversary, I attended The U, a monthly gathering for young adults. The message that night was that "this is God's year to act (Luke 4:18)". Pastor Josh Pancher said "you either approach the year with faith or fear. Faith approaches the possibility. Fear approaches the problem." I realized that I was approaching 2015 with fear. Fear of not doing well in classes, fear of getting cancer again, fear of all the side effects, fear of not making friends, fear of so. many. different. things. Pastor Josh went on to say "for every problem, find a promise." I've gone back to the promise God gave me when I ended my first cancer's treatments, from Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I realized that God's promise to prosper me, and to give me "hope and a future" were still true-the best is yet to come. That message ended with 5 things to do.

• Encourage often
• Honor always
• Give generously
• Serve faithfully
• Live boldly

While I could think of things that I were doing in most of the categories, I realized I wasn't living boldly. I was cowering under the weight of what might happen, not living boldly in the promises of all the good that God has allowed to have happened.

Just to list out a few things God has allowed to have happened in this New Year...

• Made an awesome new friend, who is in a lot of my classes- Annie <3
• Made wonderful friends through the U on Campus Bible Study
• Been able to share my testimony at Standpoint, the college group at Parkside Church, which has also led to new friends...
• New friends, and prayer partners through the Cancer Support Group at Parkside Church
• A warm and loving church family
• Been able to again be involved with BEST Medicine Science and Engineering Fair
• My hospital stays have not had anything major come up
• Been able to manage in my classes
• Got a dog :)
• Will celebrate 2-years from my BMT on 3/18/15!
• A scholarship to attend CancerCon, a conference for young adult cancer survivors!

A verse that's been encouraging me, and the one from earlier...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen-Ephesians 3:20-21

And as always, to close with a song; this one has been running through my head almost daily since I heard it at a conference...

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So Ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all
So Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
~ Hillsong