Thoughts from the Air

 *A weird collection of thoughts on various subjects*
I'm some thousands of feet in the air. My game lives have run out, there is no free  Wi-Fi, and I don't feel like watching TV. My body, which has been in pain due to the steroids, is now crushing me with pain. No position seems comfortable. I try to will myself to sleep, but the pain doesn't allow me. So I turned to my thoughts. And my phone note pad. To write to you all. With my thumbs. Warning, I'm feeling very philosophical. My mood is brought on by two things. One, my AYA coordinator is on the same flight. Last week, at the monthly meet up I was unable to attend, they spoke about religion. We spoke briefly about God before the flight. The other thing is how many people, when told about this conference, asked if it was a Christian conference. No judgements passed, just fact, but I was really surprised how many people asked if it was a Christian conference. Answer: no it's not.
But I've been thinking. What is the church doing about this. This is the biggest conference of its kind, and quickly sold out. Cancer is an ever growing epidemic,  with no sign of diminishing. We are young. 15-40 is the official age range. Everyone goes through a time of questioning what they believe. Why do they believe  it. Is it their faith, or their parents faith. Reflect on your own life, no matter what your religion.  Did you accept or reject what you were taught to believe. Are you still searching for satisfaction?
Now superimpose all those feelings on pain. Physical pain, like I'm in now. Psychological pain, of never growing up or achieving your goals. Emotional pain, of the daily battle against cancer. That is us. The young adults of this cancer world. So many questions...  non-cancer kids have questions.  Imagine our questions. We didn't cause our cancers. We didn't have a choice. What random force of the universe destined Us to this exclusive club?
I believe in God. Not a god, the God. You may think that this is surprising, given my cancers. I've thought it surprising before. I have questions for Him. Lots. Of. Questions. Why did I get cancer? Why did I live? Why am I here still? Why did I get all these new diagnosis? Why do little kids, teenagers, adults have to suffer so much through cancer? And on. And on. I don't know the answers. I can't even guess at most of them.
God is sovereign. It's like math... Everything can be proved. It's like gravity. Stuff falls when you drop it. Normally  I don't stand there wondering why the egg fell to the ground. I know the egg fell because there is a mess on the floor. I don't wonder if there is a God. I see the evidence. Nothing can calm my heart, and no one can feel my pain like he does. I'm not trying to be spooky or anything. I have hope. We all crave hope. How else do we keep living? Each of us goes to bed with the hope that we will awake in the morning. We drive our cars in the hope that we will reach our destinations. Same thing. Everyday I drive the car of my life in the hope that I will reach my final destination: heaven.
I'm trying to explain this but I can't. If you don't have hope, God is there. Life is never hopelessness enough not to live.
To those of you Christians, share the hope you have. Cancer is a long and wearying  journey. Sometimes even I don't seem to have the hope to continue. Encourage others. Reach out. The hardest thing through my cancers was seeing Christians, who have the hope and love of Jesus, keep it to themselves. We are a hurting group. We can use a little extra love. Don't abandon us. Maybe you don't know what to tell us when you hear we Are diagnosed with cancer. Maybe you are scared to become friends with us because you think we will die soon. Maybe you are frightened of saying the wrong thing. I don't know what it is, but they are all excuses. We know you don't know what to say, or are uncomfortable  but we want you to give us a chance. A chance to help you out. Don't make trite statements  about God, or why he allowed it, or how he is going to help. You have no idea what we are going through or if we are even speaking to God right then but don't judge us. Say hi. You can text us good morning. You can say have a great day. You can ask how are we doing. You can send us are snap of flowers. Or a picture from a party. You are on social media, just include us! You can Skype us from the hospital (thanks Leah)  You can bring the latest movie to our house to watch (thanks MHS). You can just come and hang out ( thanks Christina, Craig,  Sharon). Maybe we'll  fall Asleep. Sorry. But the fact that you cared enough to come will never be forgotten. Drop of some fresh flowers. Or a silly balloon. Or a card ( thanks Heather)  Or a piece of chocolate in the mail ( thanks Isabella). Or a silly cartoon you think will make us laugh.   Ask us what you can tell us about your life. We are still teenagers. Ask us how you can help us. We can give you plenty of suggestions. Don't forget our families. Our siblings hurt with us. Our parents do too. Bring some treats for the sibs. They'll enjoy the movie too. Take them out somewhere special. They can use some extra loving. Bring dinner (thanks Simkanins,  Denise). Food is always welcome as it sustains life. Bake some cookies with the family. Bring the dog around. Send a fun scarf or headband (thanks April). Our heads do get cold. Send a pretty bracelet (thanks Jenni). Just because we are bald doesn't mean we don't want to dress up and feel pretty. So much more but I don't have time or space to list them all.
Whatever you do, do. Not. Be. Silent. Your silence hurts so, so bad. It still Hurts for me sometimes. I wonder what I did to cause it. You loose so much through cancer, the last thing you want to do is loose your friends.
For me, God gave me a totally new, unexpected, and amazing group of friends. Who did the things listed above. Who are still by my side, daily. Who I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm thinking of everyone of them who prayed I'd be able to go on this trip, and shared in my excitement. Who are praying even now that I'll have a good trip. Thank you is inadequate. Thank you for hurting with me through cancer and these new diagnosis. Thank you for staying with me, and encouraging me. Thank you for loving me and accepting me as I am. Thank you for texting me.
We are beginning a descent. Writing this has brought back so many memories of the love that has been shown me.  The bodily pain is still there, but my heart has found great joy in the remembrance of love.






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I'm Going to Denver!

I think the title says it all.  Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed and inquired about my trip.  Friday my counts were 9.8 (I needed a 10 to be able to go), so my doctor said I could go to Denver and CancerCon! This morning my counts were 10.4, so slowly climbing up!

I leave tomorrow evening, and will return on Sunday. I intend to post pictures on here and on social media from my trip!
A few things I would greatly appreciate prayers for...

• That I'd stay healthy in Denver
• My cough would completely go away
• The steroids side-effects would diminish (I've especially been in a lot of pain)
• My sugars would be OK with the travel and changes
• I'd be OK with the higher altitude

One quick thing...on Wednesday night I had intended to attend the U college service.  I was also spending time with my friend on spring break, and it got really late, and I almost didn't go, because I was really tired. I had written my previous post that afternoon, so it was a rough day.  However, I decided to attend the service, as I would still get to hear the preaching.  I walked in to hear Pastor Josh say that God only gives good in our lives. I'd never heard it put so bluntly, and it took me several minutes to fully comprehend the impact of that. The last few weeks as so many medical and acadmeic things have come crashing down all around me it seemed like God could stop allowing so much bad in my life, and hearing that topic just so encouraged my heart. He went on to say how God isn't bothered with my asking for things, and it isn't selfish to pray that I get stuff.  His closing challenge was to ask God for three things, a big, medium, and small for that week.  I was challenged to ask for three things, but all big (to me!).   

1. That I could go to Denver.
2. That my counts would be high enough.
3. That a really bad cough I had, which also could have prevented my trip, would clear up.

By Friday, all three prayers and "big things" were answered!

And to close, a very special verse to me.  I've always read vs 11, and claimed it for myself, but today vs 12 also jumped out at me.  That I can call on God, and pray to Him, and He will listen to me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

Now the only thing that separates me from my trip...a huge thermodynamics exam tonight!

An Update and Thoughts

Ahhh....so much has happened in these last few weeks, and I feel like I could write forever and ever! To start with, I know many of you have reached out with kind comments regarding some of my Instagram pics (thank you!), but I know I need to get a proper explanation out to everyone! So to start this story...

*Disclaimer! I wrote this over two days. Some of it right after I got back from the hospital Tuesday, the rest on Wednesday. So please pardon the discontinuities. I feel like once I write something, I can’t go back and make changes (other than grammatical/spelling), so this is the raw stuff, out there for you to read!*

During my spring break, I had my 2-year cancer scans. They all came back clean with no cancer! Thank you Jesus! This was a huge relief to hear. Some other things about the scans though...

·         There was a spot on my liver that had increased in size since the last scans. I had an MRI done last Friday, and as of right now, it is believed to be nothing serious, just growth due to hormone therapy I was on for a lot of last year. I will be following up with GI for this in a few weeks.

·         In addition, I have had a lot of coughing/gagging reflex since this fall, which at first we thought was related to the weather. It does not appear to be related to the weather, however, but possibly an allergy of some sort that coats itself to the esophagus, and so causes that reflex. I will be getting an endoscopy for that, probably after school is over.

The biggest new thing, however, is diagnosis of an autoimmune hemolytic anemia. This is an anemia where the red cells die much faster than they are supposed to. Thankfully, my bone marrow is working overtime to make new cells, but this isn't a sustainable model. I had been feeling very tired and somewhat breathless, as well as had some other enzyme numbers kinda wacky, so everything kinda wraps up into a neat little bundle with this diagnosis. This is a more long-term condition, and I started treatment for it last Friday. The good news is that today's blood test showed that the treatment is working. The bad news is, however, that the treatment is high dose steroids, just a little bit less than what I was taking during active cancer treatments. With the steroids comes the many side effects...some of which are creepy-crawly sensation, hot flashes, loss of concentration, mood swings, headaches, extreme and constant hunger which have all manifested themselves so far. Long-term I am expecting numerous skin troubles, stretch marks, bloating, "snowman" look, and weight gain among other things.

A rather trivial matter, that for me is kinda big, is the weight-gain side effects from steroid. I finally was starting to feel like I was in an OK spot looks/weight wise, and had just started feeling good about myself. I know that the inside appearance is so much more important than the outside, but it still is so hard; the other factor is that this is a long-term treatment, so the end picture is looking bigger…

The biggest overall thing for me about the steroids is that they elevate blood sugars. This would be ok if I was starting at a normal range, but this time I am starting with some pretty high sugars. Currently my sugars are running about 4-5 times what a normal level will be. I am on a long-acting insulin that I shoot every night, and have started shooting insulin before every meal. Hopefully, I will be able to get an insulin pump in the next few weeks.

School has gotten increasingly difficult as well. The anemia symptoms (which I wasn't aware off) definitely affected my second round of tests. Now the steroid treatments looks like it will affect my third round of tests and finals. The steroid concentration issues have really affected me. I can manage to stay engaged 30/50 minutes of most class periods, and then I'm unable to focus! Thankfully, I have some really great professors who are helping me out with these issues!

Some things that I'd really appreciate your prayers...

·         The treatments would continue to work

·         Reduced side-effects from the steroids

·         Ability to finish this semester strong

·         Persistent cough to resolve

·         Sugar numbers to come down

·         Speedy delivery of a pump. A pump will make life so much easier, but it can take on average of 4-6 weeks to get one!

·         Mental strength through get through the treatments and keep checking sugars.

·         A strong finish to a really tough semester.

·         Ability to do well and concentrate on the last round of tests, and final exams the first week of May.

Also on these lines, I had received a scholarship to attend CancerCon, a young adult cancer conference in Denver, which is next weekend. The price of the trip was more than I could afford, but there were a few scholarships offered for it. Also, it is the weekend before the last week of classes-not exactly the ideal traveling time! I applied for some of the scholarships, and asked God if he wanted me to go, that he would bless me with one. I received the scholarship, which covers all expenses, and was beyond thrilled to be going to Denver. However, when speaking with my oncologist and nurse regarding the trip, they were very doubtful if I could go. Given the higher-altitude in Denver, my blood-oxygen levels are not high enough to be there. In addition, I have had a pretty bad persistent cough that is another concerning factor. I would greatly appreciate your prayers that I could go on this trip, if God wills. If my levels continue the current rate at which they are rising, it will reach the necessary threshold of a 10.0 next Wednesday, the day I'm scheduled to leave for Denver.

Well that wraps up the concrete, medical, and practical aspects. Now for the touchy-feely bit…

This unexpected maybe-turn-of-events kinda shook me up. I thought God definitely wanted me to go to Denver since he provided me the money; and then now it looks so uncertain...I was like God, I'd have been fine if you hadn't given me the scholarship because it would have been a definite “No” then. I felt so confused and hurt that God would let me have this incredible and amazing dream trip, and then seemingly/maybe take it away in an instant. As always, God brought a song on the radio to encourage my heart. It was a song that I first heard my first semester of college. I remember the night I heard it. I had gone to see my best friend at ultimate Frisbee practice. Almost everybody I knew or was friends with was on the ultimate Frisbee teams. I wanted to join them so badly. Some evenings we would just casually toss around the Frisbee on the grass behind Honors, and I had pretty decent throwing and catching skills. But I couldn't run. or dive. or jump. I had enough trouble walking, much less playing Frisbee! I wanted to play so badly. To find a club where I could belong. To join people I knew. And then that night I heard "Hold on to the Promises," by Sanctus Real So many encouraging words. When what I wanted so badly I knew wouldn't happen, I knew I was blessed to be alive. I listened to that song so many times through relapse. My sister made a poster that I had in my hospital room, which said "Hold on to the Promises. Jesus is Alive!"

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)
Jesus is alive, so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

And all things work for the good of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even His own son
His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So, if you feel weak

Neither life nor death could separate us
From the eternal love of our God who saves us

And then the same song came on the radio as I drove from Cleveland yesterday. And the words again comforted my heart. It is hard to believe that everything that is happening to me is happening for God's reason. I couldn't find the words to speak to God, but like this song says, His Word was my strength. Jesus is Alive! How many religions can say that their founder, teacher, leader and God is ALIVE!

A new line jumped out of this song for me-"He holds back nothing that will heal you, not even his own Son. His love is everlasting, His faithfulness unending. Oh, if God is for us who can be against us!" God will heal me! I don't know if it will be an earthly healing, but I do know that I can remain confident in an eternal healing! Everything will work for good. Sometimes it seems like everything is spinning into an ever-increasing frenzy of "bad things". I just want to be, like God, I've had more than my share of stuff. Sometimes I feel almost abandoned by God. What did I do to deserve all this pain? Why can't even the simple joy of a short trip be dangling ever farther from me?

And then this song. His love is everlasting. His faithfulness unending. The years that the locust of cancer and sickness has eaten away from my life ALL will be restored to me, as only God can. Neither life nor death can separate me from God's vast and immeasurable love. I don't have the words to pray to Him. But I know the words He has for me. Words of hope and a future. I feel so weak, physically, mentally, academically, emotionally. But all I have to do is hold on to the promises.

Last night at The U, Pastor Josh spoke about how we are a message of God's love. A brief paraphrase from 1 Thessoalonians 1-"It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special...you were able to take great joy from the Holy Spirit! - taking the trouble with the joy, the joy with the trouble...The news of your faith in God is out.". That is my prayer. That the news of my faith will go out. God has put his hand on me for something special. I don't know what. I struggle, just like you do. But I have a Holy Spirit which can and is providing me joy. Joy through sibling-like-friends. Joy through mother-like nurses. Joy through caring and compassionate doctors. Joy through the fellowship of other Christians. Joy unspeakable, such as only God can bring or give. I'm holding on to the promise that the Joy of the Lord is my stregnth.

Holding on to the promises doesn't require strength, and God knows I don't have much stregnth to spare. Words from another Sanctus Real song "Pray" seemed to fit my situation exactly.

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray

What a comfort. So often I've heard that just ask God for anything you want, as He is a father, and loves me his daughter. But these past few days, I have no words. I have nothing. My heart just feels so full and tired and weary and discouraged and hurt. But I know God is here. And was there yesterday. And will be there for me tomorrow. And is there for you, no matter you’re hurt, or heartache, or body ache, or life situation. Hold on to the promises of God.

And to end, I use the closing words of Madeline. "That's all there is, there isn't any more."

At the new Rainbow Onocology Ward, the day I was diagnosed with Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia

 

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! It is so incredible to think that this is the 4th Easter since I've been diagnosed! The first was spent alone at home, the second was spent in the hospital, the third was spent at one church, and this one at another!
It has been a long weekend, but a good one.  I was able to attend my first Good Friday service! Easter is a celebration, but it wouldn't be possible without Christ's death on the cross, which we commemorate on Good Friday.  Again, this year, I was reminded that Christ endured so much pain for me, and all mankind, so he knows exactly what I'm going through, even when I feel like other people don't!

One special song to me at the Good Friday service was "Jesus, Thank You."

The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
And a few pictures of Easter through the last few years!

Happy Easter!

2nd BMT Birthday!

So today is my 2-year BMT birthday! I'll share some exciting things that my dear friends have done for me the last few days, but first I'd like to share this picture I took yesterday afternoon. 

 

I was sitting outside the Goodyear Polymer building, waiting for my friends to pick me up. There was a brisk wind blowing, which was almost cold. It lifted my hair, and blew it into my face. I was just so immensely thankful at that instant. This was my own hair. It's been forever since I've had to wipe hair out of my face. I felt the wind, and all around me I was reminded that spring is nearly here. A new season for living things is about to begin.  The greenery is visible once again.  The sky was so. very. beautifully. blue. 

I remembered back to two-years ago; I could only see this teeny little patch of sky, by craning my neck out of the window.  My world had been reduced to four drab walls.  Eventually, when I moved to Seidman I had a gorgeous view of the sky, and could see the sun setting over Cleveland every night.  But I still didn't feel the wind.  The air was always still, always tainted with the nauseating smells of food, or the metallic odors of the medications.  The only movement was the air forced into the room, from a vent atop my bed.  I remember the day I was discharged; even though it was early May, that day was close to 90°F, which to my struggling body was the perfect temperature.  I remember sitting out on the labyrinth in front of Seidman, and just feeling the gentle warm breeze cover my bald head. 

Yesterday was a perfect day.  I have two huge tests this Friday, so by perfect I do not mean easy.  I still had all my classes, got back a quiz, turned in five different homeworks, and studied for my tests.  I think I just felt so thankful for where I was.  Thankful that I had tests to study for.  Thankful that I was able to complete all that homework.  Thankful I had been able to be in class when the pop quiz was given. 

My friends Annie and Jake invited me to grab some food at our friend Cody's house, before our thermo class.  I'm so glad I went with them, and with our friend Craig.  I had my first green eggs, and delicious green waffles.  After class, Annie, Jake and I paused up on the 5th floor, by the window and looked out on the campus.  In that moment I was so thankful that I was flanked by two amazing friends; I had been so scared for thermo, as it is known to be hard, but even more scared to face it without knowing anyone.  Having Annie and Jake with me in that class has just been the most incredible thing, as we study and work together.   

After thermo I headed to my normal Tuesday evening Bible study. I was surprised to see my friend Ean there early, as he normally doesn't arrive till later. But we were just chatting, till Sharon called. As we spoke, I suddenly saw a big bunch of balloons coming down the long hallway, and I knew it was her. She had driven all the way from med school, bearing cupcakes, balloons, and Reese's, to surprise me for my 2-yr! She had been in communication with Ean, who had also notified the Bible study group. In that moment, I was so surprised and overwhelmed by my friends. Two years ago I was friends with Sharon but not very close. I knew Ean, but we weren't really friends. I would never have dreamed that Sharon would be like a sister to me, or that Ean would become such a good friend, or that I would be blessed to have a whole new group of friends through a Bible study!

 Two years ago I remember being in a hospital room. Probably puking my guts out as usual. The chemo for the week prior to my BMT was incredibly hard. Every day they were trying to wipe my entire system clean, and I felt it. I remember thinking about what would happen if the BMT didn't work. There was only a 50% chance that it would. I've met people for whom it hasn't. It was a Sunday then, and I remember wondering if I would ever again be involved in church; would I ever play an offertory again, or accompany a congregation. I remember the team who came to give me my BMT. My PA Linda, and nurse practioner Kristen, plus my oncology floor nurse, and an extra nurse. While Linda and Kristen concerned themselves with the actual administration of the cells, the nurses assisted me, as I was retching like never before, or since. They had wet washcloths, and tried to make me comfortable. My child life Angela was there, and read to my siblings from a book about BMT, and then took them to get snacks, games, and generally kept them occupied.

Two years later I'm sitting in the computer lab as I write this. I just finished three classes this morning. Next to me is Neil, my best friend Sharon's youngest brother. I was so sad to lose her to med school last fall, but Neil has become a close friend and confidante, as we travel the waters of college together, through both the ups and down, joys and sadness in our lives. I'm halfway thorough my halfway semester of college. I'm overwhelmed by how far God has brought me, and his amazing mercy and grace in preserving my life for Him!

 Pictures Milestones

 

BMT



100 Days!



1-yr BMT

 



January 2015

 

The Best is Yet to Come!

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted; Thank you to the many people who pray and encourage me, and I know I owe you an update. Also, this is like the fourth time I've come to edit this post, so I guess it’s time to just post it. So here it is.

Physical

As far as the cancer goes, I am now approaching 2-years since my BMT (March 18th, 2013)! While I'm so grateful to be cancer free, there are many other issues that I'm currently dealing with. This summer my sugars, which tended to be high when I was on steroids, suddenly skyrocketed. I'm currently on insulin and medication to hopefully bring those numbers down. Also, I've been having some breathing troubles, which are definitely NOT helped by the record setting cold temperatures here in Cleveland as of late. The breathing issues definitely make me much more tired, which just makes school harder.

In February, I was in the hospital for 2 days, due to numbness in my hand; the doctors originally were worried about it being a seizure or stroke, but thankfully it was probably just a pinched nerve. About a week later, I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. The current thought is that it is liver/gallbladder issues, post-chemo.

Upcoming appointments during my spring break:

• 2-yr post-cancer scans!
• 3rd round of vaccines
• GI doctors, for liver/gallbladder issues
• Endocrine for sugars

Academic

In school I'm currently starting my 5th of 10 semesters, so nearly half-way through! This has been my hardest class load ever, as I'm hitting the hard core engineering classes. Sometimes it gets discouraging to not see my grades as high as I'd like them, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. This past fall semester was extremely tough, but this spring has been going much better! I'm excited for the friends I've made in classes. Please pray that I'll be able to get good grades this semester.  I'll also be taking classes this summer, and fall, as well as spring 2016, going for a total of 5 semesters back-to-back, so I'd greatly appreciate your prayers.

Other stuff...
Written on a rough day early this semester. Thought I'd just include it.
In other words...
2014 was a really tough year. Sometimes I thought it tougher than fighting cancer. With cancer, there was a definite, attainable goal in sight: beat it. I knew what I had to do, each day, every day. People were there for me. I felt supported and strong, and knew what I had to do.

This past year was really, really different. I had a fantastic spring semester. And then I started my 2nd summer internship with Swagelok; again, another great time. But through the summer different health issues came up. I thought that I was done with cancer. Great! I'm done with all treatments and medications! Not true. My sugars started acting up, my skin was scarily dry, my stomach started being weird. So many different things that were stark reminders that I wasn't the healthy person I thought I was.

The fall semester was incredibly tough. It was a difficult course load, but also done without my awesome friends. It was rough not knowing ANYONE in the class. I didn't really have the confidence I used to have to make friends. All the kids were there in their freshman cliques, and I didn't fit in. One girl even went so far as to ask me "aren't you older than the rest of us?” It hurt to see other kids making friends with random people, exchanging phone numbers, forming study groups, while I was all alone.
Continuing on to finish the story from earlier...I wasn't looking forward to 2015. The last year that I made a concrete set of New Year's resolutions, and was fully committed to fulfilling each one, was in 2012. I was initially diagnosed 10 days later. Again in 2013, I had my 2nd diagnosis to look forward to. In 2014, I was super sick all of Christmas break, so just being able to go to school was accomplishment enough. This year, I was just too discouraged to even think about making resolutions or setting any goals for myself.

In January, on my 3-yr diagnosis anniversary, I attended The U, a monthly gathering for young adults. The message that night was that "this is God's year to act (Luke 4:18)". Pastor Josh Pancher said "you either approach the year with faith or fear. Faith approaches the possibility. Fear approaches the problem." I realized that I was approaching 2015 with fear. Fear of not doing well in classes, fear of getting cancer again, fear of all the side effects, fear of not making friends, fear of so. many. different. things. Pastor Josh went on to say "for every problem, find a promise." I've gone back to the promise God gave me when I ended my first cancer's treatments, from Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I realized that God's promise to prosper me, and to give me "hope and a future" were still true-the best is yet to come. That message ended with 5 things to do.

• Encourage often
• Honor always
• Give generously
• Serve faithfully
• Live boldly

While I could think of things that I were doing in most of the categories, I realized I wasn't living boldly. I was cowering under the weight of what might happen, not living boldly in the promises of all the good that God has allowed to have happened.

Just to list out a few things God has allowed to have happened in this New Year...

• Made an awesome new friend, who is in a lot of my classes- Annie <3
• Made wonderful friends through the U on Campus Bible Study
• Been able to share my testimony at Standpoint, the college group at Parkside Church, which has also led to new friends...
• New friends, and prayer partners through the Cancer Support Group at Parkside Church
• A warm and loving church family
• Been able to again be involved with BEST Medicine Science and Engineering Fair
• My hospital stays have not had anything major come up
• Been able to manage in my classes
• Got a dog :)
• Will celebrate 2-years from my BMT on 3/18/15!
• A scholarship to attend CancerCon, a conference for young adult cancer survivors!

A verse that's been encouraging me, and the one from earlier...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen-Ephesians 3:20-21

And as always, to close with a song; this one has been running through my head almost daily since I heard it at a conference...

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So Ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all
So Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
~ Hillsong

Rainbow Nurses Make the Difference!

Hello Friends!
I know it's been quite a while since I posted ! Thank you to the many of you who continue to pray for me. I'm back in college, and am quite busy with classes.

I wanted to share a video that was done by Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital, where I was treated, based on my earlier blog post about nurses. Hope you enjoy viewing this!!

Scan Results!

Thank you for all the prayers. My scans came back clean, even showing some reduction in my lung damage.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Thrive
Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died
 Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire
Into Your word we're digging deep
To know our Father's heart
 Into the world we're reaching out
To show them who You are

Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

1Year Scans

Hello Friends,
Today I have my one year scans. Tomorrow I will get the results when I meet with my doctor.

I'd appreciate your prayers.
Jen

National Cancer Survivor Day Musings

Today is National Cancer Survivor's Day. I thought I'd post an update, but when I went to my drafts I found this in there.  I wrote it about three weeks ago.  The hurt I felt then is gone now, but re-reading it brought a rush of memories of how I felt. Discouraged. Defeated. Just Down. While I realize that I have so much to be thankful for, I'm human, and don't always remember to "Give thanks without ceasing." My hope in including it is that perhaps it will give you a little better understanding into the life of Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) survivors. 

"This week is finals week.  I had a Calculus II final at 7AM Monday morning, a paper due Tuesday at noon, and then a Physics final coming up on Friday morning. 
I just got a grade back in Calculus...I went into the final with an A, but came out with a B.  Somehow that has really just got me discouraged.  It's really hard being a cancer survivor in college. Sometimes I don't know where to summon the strength to continue. I just want to throw in the towel. I never thought I'd cry about grades. I wasn't one of those obsessed bio majors (sorry guys). But I did last night. And this morning. And probably will again. It's one thing to get a not-A grade, because I've always known like maybe I could have worked harder, or not gone to that concert, or not watched that movie, or not done this or that.  But this time there is nothing to fall back on.  I did my very best. And it wasn't an A.  I have to remember that I'm much more than my grades. I beat cancer. Twice.
Sometimes I fall in the trap of comparing my current self with my pre-cancer self.  The girl who got all As. Who studied like crazy for a test. And aced the test. The girl who knew she could get in the college she wanted to if she worked hard enough. And so she worked really hard, and got into that college.  The girl who vowed to audition at that college's music school.  The girl who applied and received the scholarship she wanted. The girl who wrote on her Summer Leadership Seminar goals sheet that she wanted to a) Make the Dean's List every semester b) Be Valedictorian c) Give the commencement speech. That girl knew engineering was tough, but she was going to give it her all, and make it.
Sometimes that girl rears up in me. That girl who compares her 70 with her friend's 86, instead of being happy she was over the average. The girl who feels disappointed she missed points in the test where you had to memorize six full pages of information, instead of being grateful she got as many points as she did.  The girl who refuses to readjust her expectations.  The girl who wants to be able to both hang out with friends and study, and sacrifice the sleep. 
That girl is gone. I need to consciously remind myself to let her go. To push her away. I am a new person.  I have to remember that I can't do it on my own. Doing my best is no longer enough to get me to where I want to be in life.  I have to rely on God alone.  And it's a hard lesson to learn; I think as a human I want to do everything in my own strength, not God's. My life was miraculously spared by God, yet again.  I need to trust him enough to let him lead my life. I shouldn't seek to hold on to my past, but look forward instead.  But sometimes it is really, really, gut-wrenchingly hard. So is writing this. "

It's summer now.  June 1st to be exact.  They say hindsight is 20/20.  I got news for you-it is. I finished the semester.  I took my physics final, through my best friend a surprise graduation party, celebrated my mom's birthday (all in the same day) and jumped right into an internship at Swagelok.  It's been a busy few weeks, but I'm happy.

Surviving is tough, real tough. I think so many people think that you beat cancer, woot woot now you're life is perfect again, pick up where you left off. They don't realize that cancer leaves eternal scars. Some physical.  I still have lung troubles.  Even in this beautiful weather, I find myself coughing.  I get horrible vascular cramps all over my body.  Sometimes I can't sleep, or walk, or stand up because of the cramps. The slightest medical hiccup has my parents all worried about what could go wrong.  Some emotional. No, I'm not a psychotic wreck, but I will never, ever be the girl I once was. I hope my experiences have changed me for the better. I do have my moments of doubt though. I don't have patience for people who complain to me about what I now view as trite affairs or try to drag out the latest on the gossip vine. I'm fed up with drama. But I hope I've learned to love deeper. I hope I've learned that people are always, always, more important than anything else in life.

I hope I've grown closer to God. I think I have a bigger appreciation for my salvation.  Every day as I drive to work I am awed by the beauty God created. He could have made the sky plain blue. It isn't just blue.  It's pink and purple and orange and grey and black and so many other colors. The sun shines its rays in beautiful lines. Why would God care so much to allow so much wonder into our little world? And then I'm always reminded that he must care a great deal for our world, if he gave his only Son to save us from our sins. That takes a pretty big heart. And I know that he is beside me every day.  He gives me strength, when I ask for it. He brings blessings in my life, and has shown me favour, even though I don't deserve it. I was blessed to finish the semester.  My siblings, parents, and close friends prayed some decent grades into my GPA. Thank you for your prayers, which God graciously answered.  Sometimes I loose my focus on what God has brought me through, and end up discouraged.  But I have to remember that God is able to do exceedingly greater than I could ever imagine. He has plans to prosper me, and give me hope and a future.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God .

 
Water You turned into wineOpen the eyes of the blindThere's no one like YouNone like YouInto the darkness You shiningOut of the ashes we riseThere's no one like YouNone like You
Into the darkness you shiningOut of the ashes we RiseThere's no One like YouNone like You.
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against? And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
What could stand against?
 
~Chris Tomlin

Happy Easter (1Week Late...)

I hope all my wonderful readers had a very blessed Easter! I was quite busy around Easter, and didn't have a chance to post, and wanted to make a bit longer post, so I thought I'd wait a week!
This is the first Easter in the last two years that I haven't been on treatment, which is a huge blessing! This Easter I was filled with so much awe and gratitude for where God has brought me in this year.  Just recollecting a year ago...I was blessed to receive beautiful Easter baskets from the oncology ward, and feel the wonderful love of so many medical professionals.  I was in the midst of my BMT, and pretty sick! A year later, I'm at the tail ending of completing my third semester of college and nearing my 1 year scans! All day, I was just filled with so many thoughts of where I had been a year ago, and how much God had blessed me to allow me my life and to be with my family.

For those of you who don't know the true meaning of Easter, I can assure you it has nothing to do with bunnies and eggs! While bunnies and eggs give us some fun things to enjoy on this special holiday, there is so much more to the Easter story. 
Easter would not be possible without Good Friday, the day we remember Jesus Christ's death on the cross.  An innocent man, he was falsely accused and sentenced to death, to bear the punishment for our sins.  While many may wonder why is Jesus is God he didn't save himself, the Bible states that he choose to die for us.  How special to know that someone loved me and you enough to take away the punishment we so justly deserve! If Jesus had stayed dead, that would put him on the same platform as Buddha or Mohammed or St. Peter, or any one else.  Easter is the celebration of his coming to life again, which makes him God.  Without his resurrection, we wouldn't have a living savior to serve.

This Easter I was able to more appreciate his resurrection, than last Easter when I was focused more on his sufferings.  I'm so grateful to have had an absolutely beautiful day to spend with dear friends and my family!

Relay for Life follow-up

Thank you to my amazing Relay for Life team! Here is our team, by the numbers:

 

5th overall, out of 64 teams

25 official members, but many extras who helped out

$2347.57

$255-raised by Alex Bowers (the most raised by an individual on our team)

$16.35-raised by "Mr. Jug" at the Penny Wars

$91.58-raised by our three Mr. "Miss Relay" contestants- Cody George, T.J. Sae-Kho, and Matt Frantz

$307.64-raised by our on-site fundraisers-walking tacos and sale items

$545-received through our win of the "Luminaria Award" for bringing in the most new sponsors!

Plus all our donated tickets and merchandise!

 

Our cute little clowns with our beautiful team sign created by Rachel

Serving up a Walking Taco

The set-up, start-up, and encouragement team

Dan dunking Jess Miller from our team; the champion dunkee, she got dunked eight times during her 15minuted time slot!

Survivor Ceremony.  Survivors were invited to share their name, cancer and years in remission; we were also asked to walk the opening lap and kick off Relay 2014, as well as walk a survivor and caregiver lap after the ceremony!

Eliza and Ruth

Luminaria Lanterns line the track, honoring and remembering those who've fought cancer.

SOME...of the team! Many more to come later through the long night!
 Includes Noelle Weiser, Eliza Jacops, David Royak, Sharon Bernard, and Jess Miller

Themed laps through the evening! Crazy hat lap with Sharon and Jess, and 3-Legged Race with Noelle!

The Cakewalk-similar to musical chairs, but the winner gets the cake!
Ruth and Dad played, with Ruth winning a huge tray of cupcakes!

Survived cancer, now surviving and thriving cancer! At the beautiful survivor and caregiver ceremony, it was fun to meet other college cancer survivors!

Group shot with Craig, David and Eliza.  Pretty sure the guys are laughing at the girls...

R-Eliza doing the nerd/geek lap
L-Cody George and Matt Frantz ready for the Mr. "Miss Relay" pageant lap!
Matt was laughing a little hard at Cody, so he found himself in a dress as well...

Relay was a very long night, but so much fun! UAkron Relay raised more than $48000 to support the American Cancer Society! Also, a special thanks to Sharon Bernard and Alexandra Bowers for staying up most of the night with me, and to Alexandra and Ean Dickerhoof for coming back after only a few hours of sleep to help pack up and clean up!

 

 

Relay for Life!

Hello Friends,

This year I am captain of our Honors College Relay for Life team! I'm so excited to help out with this awesome event, which helps raise money for the American Cancer Society (ACS).  ACS provides so many materials and services to support cancer fighters, survivors, and caregivers, and we are trying to make sure they can continue to make these available for free.  Please check out my personal team page, and help our team if you are able!

For those of you local readers, please come out to the Relay for Life at the University of Akron, this Saturday, at 4PM-7AM Sunday morning! Our team will be selling walking tacos and Starbucks drinks, have an awesome auction and raffle, and have fun games you can play!

Here is a brief look at some of our prizes and auction items...a HUGE Thank You to all the gracious sponsors and donors!

Blossom Music Center (2 tickets)
Great Lakes Science Center (4 tickets)
Lake Erie Monsters (2 tickets)
Akron Symphony Orchestra (2 tickets)
E.J. Thomas Mama Mia! Gift Basket (2 tickets + CD)
UA Alumni Association (gift basket)
Chenoweth Golf Course (4some 18+Cart)
UA Campus Book Store (gift basket)
Insomnia Cookies (donation day)
Mustard Seed Market (gift cards)
Acme Fresh Market (gift card)
Sam's Club (gift card)
Downtown Akron Partnership (Downtown Akron Passports)
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (4 tickets)
Akron Rubber Ducks (2 tickets)
UA's Tau Beta Pi Engineering Honor Society
UA's Society of Women Engineers
Tiffany's Bakery (cake)

And all our donors!