Even If the Healing Doesn't Come

A few weeks ago, I watched the Grey's Anatomy episode for the week.  And it really hit home with some stuff I've been dealing with.  April Kepner is a talented surgeon, and grew up a devout Christian.  Through the show, we get a sense of her committed faith, and how she does "all the right things". But life hits her hard.  She fails her board exams, loses a child in stillbirth, gets a divorce, and watches so much death and trauma on the battlefield and at home. Her faith is shaken quite badly, and we see her struggling to find her way. In this episode, Eli, a dying rabbi is brought in.  He had a rare allergic reaction to medication, a very unfair and unexpected situation.  Eli draws out April's feelings, and she express her disappointment and anger at God, who could be so unfair in life, and to her, when she did everything he asked of her.  And the rabbi points out that we don't ask why when God gives us good things, only the bad ones.  And life isn't fair.  The Bible is filled with unfair situations to the people of God. Jesus himself had it pretty rough. "No one in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice, so why should our own lives be any different?" 

This episode hit me pretty hard. I felt a lot like April.  I haven't done anything super bad in my life like kill someone or anything. But sometimes it seems like I've drawn the short straw.  There is so much good in my life, but sometimes it seems like the pain really just outweighs it.  And I often wonder why. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering, but there are some days that are just harder than others.  Days when I can't seem to keep up with life. Whether it be chemobrain acting up and taking me double the time to actually be able to write a report, or allergies knocking me flat on my back struggling to breathe, or even something so stupid as the rain and weather causing my knees to hurt so badly I can barely walk. 

No one tells you cancer will be with you f o r e v e r. Ending chemo or radiation or a transplant or surgery is not the end. Your life does not go back to whatever it was before.  You are forever changed- physically and mentally.  It was/is a hard realization.  Now I'm far enough out that I don't really remember my life trajectory before cancer. But I wonder what my day would be like without the pain and side effects that cancer left. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over my knee-jerk reaction of "the cancer is back" when I'm unusually tired or can't breathe. I wonder if I'll ever be able to smell foaming hand sanitizer and not gag. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop dreading every doctor's appointment, and what they might find.  There's a word in the cancer community- scanxiety.  Anxiety brought on by impending medical imaging.  It's real- ask any cancer fighter. I don't think it goes away. I reached 5 years post transplant last month. Whoop dee do. I feel like I should be more excited.  Five years is a big mark. It signifies a reduced risk of the cancer returning.  But somehow I felt like a deflated balloon.  My insulin pump is not going anywhere.  Neither is the estrogen or hormone therapies. Neither is the stomach issues that are forcing me to be increasingly guarded in what I eat. Neither is the joint pain with the weather changes. I  never dreamed I'd be 23 and feel like I was trapped in an old body. It's hard. It's devastatingly hard to comprehend that this is my reality. That the stash of pill bottles on top of my fridge is never going to decrease, and same with the insulin supply inside the fridge. 

Since cancer, I never planned my life more than till the next scans.  If I was feeling courageous, I'd plan till the end of the semester. Now, my calendar is scheduled to August, and I'm being asked to block out vacation time months in advance. It's a weird and hard thing to deal with. I long to tell the scheduling assistant that I don't know what will happen in August. Maybe I'll need to take a day of for new imaging, or new vaccines.  Maybe these vaccines won't work [again] and I'll have to begin a new round, that will require additional time off.  Maybe...so. many. different. scenarios. Life is hurtling me towards planning ahead. My annual evaluation asked for my goals for the year. I now have clients I am supposed to work with for at least the next three years. Friends have asked me to visit Europe next spring. I'm looking at different life decisions, that will affect me for 5 years at the very least. And now finally I'm looking at my life.  Not 3-6 months of life, but the next 20 years of life.  I have a life now, and I'm so grateful for that. But it's daunting to think that every single day of my life is going to be a struggle. 

And that's where God comes in. We established life wasn't fair, and we can't expect a life free of suffering or injustice.  Eli tells April, "Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believed when things were good."  I've been thinking a lot more about faith.  Recently, I shared my story at my church cancer support group.  I'm the youngest person there, and the coordinator commended me on my faith for someone so young.  I wanted to tell him it was all a sham.  I didn't feel like I had any faith.  I'm just picking up my feet and putting them down because I have to. I'm not the crying type. But that tv episode had me crying, as I realized I've been trying to get by on the good times.  Faith needs the hard times. Faith needs the struggles, and heartache, and disappointment. Without them, faith is just enjoying good fortune. The day after I watched this episode, I heard two songs on the radio, back to back. 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to // Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane // That could never change who You are // And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come // And life falls apart // And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good // Forever faithful One // Even if the healing doesn’t come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways // So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us // You tenderly love us
We know Your heart // And we rest in who You are
You’re still the Great and Mighty One // We trust You always // You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise // You are God and we will bless You // As the Good and Faithful One

**This.  It doesn't matter the circumstances.  My ever changing worries/wants/desires/needs won't change the fact of all God has already done for me.  He has kept his promises.  He is forever faithful. 

It's easy to sing // When there's nothing to bring me down //But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame // Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can // Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't // My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith // To move a mountain // Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now // But God, when You choose // To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing // It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can // Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't // My hope is You alone // I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word // But even if You don't // My hope is You alone

The author is so right. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if God would just say a word. I don't know why he does or doesn't.  April later tells the doctor who prescribed the medication that ultimately killed Eli "Some things happen, and we don't get to know why." She's so right. We don't always get the answers we so desperately search for, but that doesn't mean we sink to the depths of despair.  I was wondering where this lead. What do you do when your life seems less than perfect, and the daily struggles seemingly will never end? Eli had a final parting word for April. "The world is full of brokenness.  It's our job to put it back together again." I've seen the little sayings "everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about". It's very true. But I think we may take it as a cliche feel-good statement. Do we actually treat people like they have their daily battles? Do we show them grace when they are short-tempered or rude or annoying to us? Everyone is hurting to some extent.  We who have the light of life must be a beacon of hope to those in this broken world.